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Strategies to help you combat misery with misery.
Published March 08, 2012 More Info »
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Published March 08, 2012

#6 Graduate high school.  Get involved in your hometown political scene.  Find a decent job at the local zoning committee.  Establish quality relationships with area leaders for two years.  Authorize the meadow from your bully’s favorite childhood memories to be dug up and made into low income housing units for the specific race of people he despises most.
 
#5 Pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Restaurant Management.  Network with several college alumni to generate funding.  Apply for a restaurant license.  Open a mid-sized Italian restaurant near your bully’s home.  Develop an outstanding reputation for five years.  Send him coupons to entice regular visitation.  Make sure he enjoys plates high in both sodium and cholesterol.  Maintain his patronage over 20 years.  Not only will he be paying your bills, he will be diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  Increase your menu’s portion sizes and provide him better discounts in the mail.  Watch the slow deterioration in his health on a weekly basis until your bully dies at 48 from congestive heart failure.   
          
#4 Pursue a Bachelor’s Degree in Radio.  Accept a menial job at your bully’s favorite jazz station.  Spend a decade working up the staff list until you are Programming Manager.  Gradually transition the station playlist away from the piano-based smooth jazz he loves so tenderly to a percussion-based frenetic jazz that he loathes.  Deprive him of the stress relief he requires to cope with adult responsibilities.  After eight years of pent up rage, one day at work he will “joke” about bringing his family’s Civil War revolver into the IT department.  Your bully will then have no musical station to alleviate the traumas of unemployment and potential jail time.    
 


#3 Follow a parent’s exact occupational path.  Create online dating accounts for several fake women that match your bully’s interests.  Spend hours exchanging emails and building trust.  Arrange meetings but always stand him up.  Occupy all his time with exactly four incredible but fictional ladies at once.  Eradicate his confidence in online dating’s ability to find a compatible partner.  Make him scavenge bars and consider only physically attractive women to be worthy mates.  This will lead him to marry an insecure diva that demands constant pampering.  Her materialism and plastic surgery will curse your bully to financial ruin.    
 
#2 Pursue a Master's Degree in Education.  Reconnect with your old American History teacher to learn about Guidance Counselor vacancy.  Land the job and demonstrate a true desire to help all students.  Make sure your bully’s child has many passions that are all useless.  When this kid struggles to enter the real world year after year, they will have no one to rely on for housing or income except their father.  Your bully will feel immensely humiliated by his offspring’s ignorance and his own failure to raise a contributing adult.
 
#1 Pursue a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Science.  Accept a paid internship at a respected scientific institute.  Dedicate long hours to aiding Senior Researchers.  Receive a promotion to Associate Researcher.  Co-edit a lengthy series of articles criticizing the theory of creationism.  Provide irrevocable evidence in human evolution.  Destroy your bully’s belief in God and force him to endure the never-ending psychological terror of knowing the world is ruled by chaos.

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