A list of things that, as of my recent 44th birthday, I have still not done - yet.

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March 31, 2011

44 Things That I Haven’t Done Yet

Here are 44 Things that I Haven’t Done as of March 18, 2011, My 44th Birthday.

441. Participated in a marathon

2. Lied about my car

3. Eaten or gone on vacation with a common household appliance

4. Composed a waltz

5. Converted to the Druze faith

6. Dated a girl named Roy Rogers

7. Read “Das Kapital” without smirking

8. Parachuted into hostile territory to rescue one of the original Monkees from Jihadists, because I had been led to believe by reliable sources that they know how to monkey around

9. Been a contestant on a game show hosted by a has-been comedian

10. Watched two people make love while dressed as the same cartoon character

11. Toured Europe in the Batmobile

12. Recorded an album of Air Supply covers

13. Surrendered at the battle of Yorktown

14. Bought a pizza for throwing, not for eating

15. Spied on Canada for Belgium

16. Been expelled from school for smiling too damn much

17. Figured out what the deal was with all that gasoline in the tunnel beneath Venice in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE – I mean, how did it get there? What was it for? How has it not caught fire before? Are we really expected to think that a tunnel full of gas running beneath this ancient city is plausible?

18. Spackled something

19. Fathered a child with somebody taller than me

20. Participated in a Macarena flash mob

21. Run for the U.S. Senate from New Hampshire or Washington State

22. Tipped a waiter incorrectly after buying a single doughnut

23. Thrown a little person at another person in anger

24. Applauded after Glenn Beck said something

25. Worn women’s underwear outside of my clothes

26. Licked apples in the supermarket without buying them

27. Trained attack poodles for the USDA

28. Undergone breast reduction surgery

29. Applauded after Pauley Shore said something

30. Constructed a dwelling out of used juice boxes

31. Driven a nail into an accountant

32. Set something on fire to get out of paying for a doughnut

33. Created a cartoon character that has been used as the mascot of a cricket team

34. Spied on Norway for Luxembourg

35. Made meatballs out of the flesh of talk-show hosts

36. Reupholstered furniture for skittles money

37. Attempted to sell automobile insurance to Kodiak bears

38. Transported a “Hello, Kitty” doll across state lines for immoral purposes

39. Mistaken a bowl of freshly-ground corn flour for George Foreman

40. Deserted the French Foreign Legion

41. Pointed at a random Swede in public and laughed

42. Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die

43. Attended a funeral dressed as Carmen Miranda

44. Spied on Japan for West Ham United FC