Hey it's Chris. Been noticing a lot of you guys posting selfies online. You gotta keep 'em interesting if you wanna stay relevant like me. Below are some tactics from a few of my own besties to help.

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August 19, 2013

Come up with a signature pose


Here’s one I took with my feet. See how my arms are crossed but they’re up kinda high? Pretty cool, huh? People see this and they notice that my hair is perfect and that I’m beautiful but also very interesting and beautiful. (Don’t try to copy this pose—it’s mine.)

Make a surprised face


Here’s another great selfie of me actin’ funny. This one probably went viral because everyone liked it so much. People would comment with stuff like “What were you looking at Chris?” But I’ll never tell them. (The surprised face is sort of my thing you guys, so don’t try to copy this plz.)

Stare at some branches


It was kinda tricky taking this selfie but totally worth it. People see this picture and they see a sexual rock icon who can also literally spend three hours staring at a branch ‘cause he’s that interesting. (Branch pose is definitely mine so don’t try this one.)

Grow porcupine hair


When was the last time you took a selfie with porcupine hair? Probably never ‘cause you’re not as good at this stuff as me, but that’s why I’m here to help. (Porcupine hair selfies = my thing, not for you.)

Act natural


Taking this selfie was literally impossible but I did it anyways. Sometimes you gotta post a pic of you in your natural state acting like you would if nobody was watching. (“Acting natural” is a registered trademark of Chris Cornell.)

Transform from Chris Cornell into a long-haired middle-aged guy resembling a strung out Jesus dog


This is one of my all-time fave selfie tactics. You should see all the comments I get on these, like “What the fuck happened to Chris Cornell?” and “When did Chris Cornell turn into my parents' Hungarian Sheepdog?” See how I got them all talking about me? It’s easy if you put your mind to it. (You guys are all welcome to use this one.)