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With Wikipedia going black for a day in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act, the wealth of information we’ve grown to rely on has been pulled out from beneath us. These are scary times. What’s the exact date of Talk Like a Pirate Day? What year were Double-Stuffed Oreos introduced? WHAT SONGS ARE ON XBOX KARAOKE REVOLOTION AMERICAN IDOL ENCORE?!? It’s okay. Feeling a sense of panic and anxiety is only natural. Breathe. Relax. Grab a paper bag and a Xanax if you must. We’re going to make it through this. Together. As an Internet nation. It’s natural that you’ll have some questions during these 24 hours of Wikipedia darkness. You’re not alone. Here’s a few places you can seek out your... more »
Published January 18, 2012 More Info »
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Published January 18, 2012

Ask A Senior!

GrandmaOur seniors are a wealth of knowledge. They’ve lived through it all. Well, maybe not it ALL. I mean, they’ve missed the development of anything in the past 10 years while snoozing in front of televisions in retirement homes, but they will come in handy if you’re looking for recaps from Family Feud or need to know the difference between crocheting and knitting.

Ask A Teen!

Flickr user djprybylTeenagers know everything. It’s just science. Like, when I was a gum-snapping teen, I just KNEW that I’d absolutely love this tramp stamp that consumes my entire lower back. I was so CERTAIN that, at 30, I wouldn’t be collapsing in tears, rocking myself back and forth every time I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. So whenever you feel the urge to soak in some Wikipedia knowledge, head to your local high school instead. You may also score some good weed while you’re there. Bonus!
 

Ask A Book!

Flickr user Kamal HBooks are those things that are generally rectangular in shape, contain a bunch of pages between two covers and are somewhat dense. If you’ve never encountered a book, there’s some important things you need to know before operating one. First, books are operated manually. You’ll need to turn pages by hand, just like the Pilgrims did! Also, those manually-turned pages can be dangerous. Take care not to turn them with the same speed you’d navigate the scroll wheel on your mouse or you’ll end up with an injury we referred to in the olden days as a “papercut.” Papercuts can make later masturbation uncomfortable so you’ll want to avoid getting one at all costs.

Ask A Raccoon!

Flickr user CodyRRaccoons can’t talk and probably can’t give you the answers you’re looking for, but if you’re lucky, you’ll get bit and contract rabies. Somehow knowing the name of every cast member to ever appear on ‘Blossom’ isn’t as important when you have rabies.

Ask Miss Cleo!

Miss CleoWhy wouldn't you trust the information provided by a boisterous gal who was successful enough to buy infomercials despite her inability to nail a believable Jamaican accent? You wouldn't. Sure, Miss Cleo may not be around much these days, but legend has it that if you bring a tub of tapioca pudding and a $2 bill to the alley to the right of the Laundromat (you know the one), she'll emerge from the shadows.

 

Good luck and godspeed. It's a terrifying world out there when you're Wikipedialess, but together, we WILL survive.

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