Hall of Fame
Our seniors are a wealth of knowledge. They’ve lived through it all. Well, maybe not it ALL. I mean, they’ve missed the development of anything in the past 10 years while snoozing in front of televisions in retirement homes, but they will come in handy if you’re looking for recaps from Family Feud or need to know the difference between crocheting and knitting.
Teenagers know everything. It’s just science. Like, when I was a gum-snapping teen, I just KNEW that I’d absolutely love this tramp stamp that consumes my entire lower back. I was so CERTAIN that, at 30, I wouldn’t be collapsing in tears, rocking myself back and forth every time I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror. So whenever you feel the urge to soak in some Wikipedia knowledge, head to your local high school instead. You may also score some good weed while you’re there. Bonus!
Books are those things that are generally rectangular in shape, contain a bunch of pages between two covers and are somewhat dense. If you’ve never encountered a book, there’s some important things you need to know before operating one. First, books are operated manually. You’ll need to turn pages by hand, just like the Pilgrims did! Also, those manually-turned pages can be dangerous. Take care not to turn them with the same speed you’d navigate the scroll wheel on your mouse or you’ll end up with an injury we referred to in the olden days as a “papercut.” Papercuts can make later masturbation uncomfortable so you’ll want to avoid getting one at all costs.
Raccoons can’t talk and probably can’t give you the answers you’re looking for, but if you’re lucky, you’ll get bit and contract rabies. Somehow knowing the name of every cast member to ever appear on ‘Blossom’ isn’t as important when you have rabies.
Why wouldn't you trust the information provided by a boisterous gal who was successful enough to buy infomercials despite her inability to nail a believable Jamaican accent? You wouldn't. Sure, Miss Cleo may not be around much these days, but legend has it that if you bring a tub of tapioca pudding and a $2 bill to the alley to the right of the Laundromat (you know the one), she'll emerge from the shadows.
Good luck and godspeed. It's a terrifying world out there when you're Wikipedialess, but together, we WILL survive.