Rick Perry is a simple, adorable cowboy man who believes faith in Jesus Christ will bring this country together, so just google “Christ + America + Candy” and get him the first thing that comes up.
Christ America Candy
Meat in the Shape of Jesus
Gift Certificate to the Cowboy Store
Michelle Bachmann is sort of like the Lion, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man all rolled into one abomination of what some would consider a human being.
Courage to Advance Past an Immature Teenager’s Understanding of the World
Mitt Romney is the richest GOP candidate and has grossed the most campaign donations, so there’s no need to get him anything fancy this Christmas, just as long as you give him more money.
Newt Gingrich has been dropping hints like a madman this holiday season, specifically about wanting to build a mining colony on the moon.
Movies About Outer Space
Gift Certificate to the Moon Store
Mixtape for Outer Space
Jon Huntsman is a GOP candidate that probably likes to receive gifts?
Socks or something?
Maybe a Hug for His Imminent Defeat in the Race?
Once Ron Paul got wind of the White House Christmas party he decided that he doesn’t want anything for Christmas, due to the government’s clear endorsement of the liberty-destroying holiday.
The only things sabotaging Rick Santorum’s nomination hopes more than the definition of his last name are his actions, words, and political platform. So while you cannot help him with the latter three, why not try to help him fix the last name issue?
Access to Google’s mainframe
Team of Web Developers Sharp Enough to Re-Engineer Google’s Search Engine
Big ol’ Dildo
Sense of Humor
As President of the United States of America, Barack Obama already has everything he could ever want: The most stressful job in the world, a nation divided between people who hate him and people who are sort of OK with him, and a devastated ecomony. There’s really only one thing Obama could ask for this Christmas…
Continued Media Coverage of Republican Debates
Follow me on twitter @mattingebretson
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