"Why I Am Leaving Jesse and Rippers"
"It used to be all about the music. About jamming on "The Boys are Back in Town" until the girls woke up from their naps. Now as I look around the band, they all want to cash in on The Beach Boys name. Also, don't touch the hair."
-Jesse Katsopolis, singer Jesse and the Rippers
"Why I Am Leaving the Ghostbusters"
"Not being afraid of no ghosts used to be a vital part of our culture. And our success. Now it's just crossing streams and finding key holders and gatekeepers."
"Why I Am Leaving the Rice Krispies"
"When I started here as intern, the culture here was that of a team working for the client. Now it's just about making sure the cereal gets as soggy as possible so they have to buy more."
-Crackle, Rice Krispies
"Why I Am Leaving the Wet Bandits"
"With Harry no longer interested in leaving the water running after we loot a place, I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it."
-Marv, Wet Bandits
"Why I Am Leaving the HBO Show, Luck"
"I sat in meeting where the deaths of horses were celebrated. How many horses do we need to kill before we realize nobody's watching this show, anyway?"
-A horse that was later killed, Luck
"Why I Am Leaving the 5 Dollar Footlong Menu"
"I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look sandwiches in the eye and tell this was actually a good deal."
-Turkey sandwich, Subway
- * letters