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I know, I know, ANOTHER rant about the decline of the Star Wars franchise? Well, yes, but also accompanied by some gnarly rejected merchandising concepts. Images retrieved from http://www.geekologie.com/2008/02/questionable_rejected_star_war.php and www.geekologie.com/.../more_rejected_star_wars_promot.php
Published April 13, 2011 More Info »
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Published April 13, 2011




This is the post you're looking for. I swear it's not a trap. There was a time, back in 1999 B.P (Before Prequels) in a time when the world was on the cusp of Y2K hysteria, which of course was the Millennium Falcon bug, that Star Wars was considered to be pretty tits. The original trilogy was one of the greatest achievements ever committed to celluloid, incestuous subplots aside, and pioneered advances in special effects that were unparalleled at the time...In short, it was awesome sauce with a sprinkling of gnarly salt.

 But, from the depths of his Skywalker ranch rape dungeon, lumberjack shirted, bullfrog necked George Lucas was planning to expose the franchise's naked, quivering buttocks and forcibly penetrate it with a broom handle covered in razor blades for the better part of ninety minutes.
Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace wasn't the first wrong step that George had made, that honour goes to the radical blob of sputum that was  'Howard The Duck', however he had never made a clusterfuck of this proportion.

On opening day, people were confronted with a visual muffinload of dogwank where 'The Force'  was turned into a form of Space-Aids (Midi-Chlorians, damn you to hell!), Anakin was an adorable little blonde moppet spawned via immaculate conception, like a Moon-Jesus whose voice would eventually become that of an old, black man who voiced a lion once, and Jar-Jar Binks. Fuckin' rabbit-salamander-looking motherfucker. I want him to contract AIDS, cut himself, bleed into the open wound of somebody that he loves dearly and infect them, and then they cut themselves and bleed on someone that they love dearly... And so on and so forth.

 When I want to improve something, say, a sandwich, I'll add some salami, maybe some jalapenos, possibly an extra level, if I'm feeling daring. What I wouldn't do is drive a shit covered stick through the centre of it and pronounce that it now comes with '100 percent more shitty stick!' Lucas should've adhered to this mentality.
George has made mistakes before. He allowed 'N-Sync' to film a small background cameo appearance in Star Wars: Episode 2 - Electric Boogaloo, in order to satisfy his daughters, although this ended up on the cutting room floor. Old Georgie boy is a litigious motherfucker as well, suing Verizon over the name of their Droid phone, obviously under the impression that he created the entire fucking concept of androids.

George Lucas is a savvy businessman, to be fair; most of his fortune has been created via retaining the merchandising rights to the franchise, and although some products are as bland as milk flavoured Nesquik, this is a man who let items such as THESE pass through quality control adorned with the Star Wars logo.







However, before the advent of the prequel trilogy, Lucas and Pepsi entered into a deal to create some Star Wars themed merchandise, and although they were never manufactured, these items are a step above the  nut-pus usually created as tie-ins.


So, for raping my childhood, on a scale of One to Cunt, George Lucas resides at the upper end of the spectrum. Do I want George Lucas to give me a blow job with a mouthful of pop rocks so my dick can feel like a sparkler? Possibly. Do I want to return to a world where Star Wars is once again respected, blowing up on our screens like fucking Alderaan? Most assuredly.

Until this impossible dream becomes a reality, I shall gaze fondly back upon these rejected concepts and dream of what may have been.

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Images originally retrieved from http://www.geekologie.com/2008/02/questionable_rejected_star_war.php and www.geekologie.com/.../more_rejected_star_wars_promot.php

UPDATE: Follow up article "15 rejected Star Wars items Lucasfilm didn't want you to have (Which you can still kinda get anyway")can be found Here.

Best ornamental use of a cryogenically frozen corpse ever!

I could make a joke about sucking on Darth Vader's balls, but...

Womp rat kebabs. Jawa Burgers. We cook it all at "DEATH STAR GRILL"!

Why is her Spidey sense tingling?

The destruction of the Empire, by fucking EWOKS, was hard on EVERYONE, employment wise...

"What nobody knows is that what appear to be your legs are really artificial. Your real legs are actually inside the Tauntaun..." Oh, for realsies? And here I was thinking that you'd somehow turned into a fucking TaunTaun Centaur! Thanks for clarifying, douche.

In Star Wars, only the Tuskan raiders truly have "beach balls"... And learn to spell inflatable, dagnabbit!

Remember that scene where luke guided a dart with the force to destroy the Death Star? No? Well neither does anybody else.

You just know that this would be appropriated to project porn. Comes with "special" attachment.

If you had these on your wall, you may as well kiss goodbye to any chance of ever getting laid again.

This is what they came up with after the failed "Jabba Butt-Plug" concept.

Awesome. A fish tank you can't put fish into. Or drown Gungans in. Great.

Mood rings, yeah! Awesome sauce! Nothing says badass Jedi like a ring that displays when you're having your period!

Princess Leia slave bikini included. Annoying laughing muppet sidekick thing not included.

You are all pawns of the emperor! Now play soccer to decide the fate of the universe! It beats the fuck out of pod-racing.

Lando, you snake in the grass, fuck you. Just fuck you.

As Bantha's are the size of elephants, these must be Bantha Fetus slippers. Stylish.

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