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So we've all agreed to see Time Warner in hell, right? (You can swap in Comcast if you'd like)
Published September 28, 2010 More Info »
223 Funny Votes
73 Die Votes
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Published September 28, 2010

7. Great Deals! (For the First 9 Months)

Oh, the Triple Play. "Why yes, this service is reasonably priced and I will take HBO for five bucks a month. Sold!"

Yes, we've all been there. Next thing we know, 9 months have passed, our bill is doubled and HBO only works some of the time (yet is now 20 bucks a month). The only way to get the original deal again is to move to a new state. Small price to pay for not giving Time Warner the satisfaction.

6. The Internet Slows Down the Longer You Have It

I can't prove this, but I'm pretty positive it's the case. I mean, we all know that Time Warner's the worst, so it wouldn't be shocking if it were true, and it was their plan for you to pay for their premium internet later on. 

(If this has happened to you, please say so in the comments section. I'd love some verification that I'm not a paranoid, crazy person.)

5. No Matter What, You Will Not Get a Convenient Appointment

"No, we don't come fix our crappy service on Sundays. You'll have to take off work and have your pay docked so we can show up between the hours of any time we like on Thursday. Thanks, bye."

-Every Time Warner Appointment I've Ever Made

4. There's No Alternative

Yes, there are now fiber optics (whatever that is) and satellite dishes have always been around. But many people live in an apartment buildings where you cannot just install future-products all willy nilly. Yes, you could ask your landlord to look into it, but he'll likely respond with, "I'm an old Russian immigrant. For your lack of respect, I will be turning off the hot water for the next four days."

3. Idiots on the Phone

After you've told these idiots you already unplugged and plugged the modem, they obviously tell you to unplug the modem. So you unplug the modem and say things like "still booting up" because there's the awkward silence while you stare at blinking lights.

Then comes this: "Sure, go ahead resend the signal. That's fine, let's waste another 20 minutes before you admit it's an outage in my area and put me on hold for three hours."

2. There's Always an Outage in the Area

It does not matter where you live. No matter what, you'll always have an outage in your area. The worst part about the outages is that you cannot complain and get free Showtime because then they'd have to give everyone free Showtime.

1. They Appear to Have No Souls

Fact.
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