Pretty much everything I need to know about women I’ve learned from ignoring my mother and Google imaging Pippa Middleton. But I’m always open to new ideas and insights. Consequently I borrowed my roommate’s January Cosmo in order to brush up on the feminine mystique. Here’s what I learned:
Want a Guy Excited for Your Date? One Word: Transformers!
Cosmo Says: According to Taio Cruz if a girl takes you to see Transformers 3 she’s “fun and willing to do things that make you happy.” (Pages 32-33)
We Say: I know men are stupid. Watch any light beer commercial ever and remember that to a lot of men those advertisements are effective. But if a girl takes me to see Transformers 3, sure she’s fun and willing to do things to make me happy. But she’s also 12. Now, if the Dark Knight Rises is in theatres? That’s a little different.
Tangent: Hey, critics of the Dark Knight Rises trailer, we get it, the movie looks like Occupy: Gotham. And this is a bad thing? Can you imagine how much more awesome the whole occupy movement would be if the 99% were more like Bain and less like Planet Earth’s core viewing audience?
Girls Want You to Eat Them Out
Cosmo Says: Praising Man on a Ledge’s Jamie Bell, Cosmo quotes him as telling an interviewer: “Every man should be skilled at oral sex.” (Page 52)
We Say: There probably wouldn’t be the same stigma about oral sex if every guy eating a girl out looked like Jamie Bell. Or if every girl getting eaten out looked like Scarlett Johannson. Or if people were just drunk all the time.
Guys are Googling Why Your Vagina Smells
Cosmo Says: Men’s most frequently Googled questions about women include: Why Does my Girlfriend Hate Me; Why Does my Girlfriend Ignore Me; and Why Does my Girlfriend’s Vag Smell. (Page 51)
We Say: Assuming this isn’t his first girlfriend, I am really envious of any guy that has to Google “why does my girlfriend’s vag smell.” Actually, assuming this isn’t his first girlfriend, I am really envious of any guy that has to Google any of those questions. Also, gentlemen, you don’t need to Google those things. All you need is a subscription to Cosmo.
Have Your Girlfriend Try to Coordinate Her Period with Shark Week
Cosmo Says: In their feature Shit My Guy Says…About My Period Cosmo relates one particularly painful anecdote from Kerry C.“When I told my boyfriend that for the next few days we couldn’t have sex, he said “Oh, because of Shark Week?” (Page 81)
We Say: Whoever Kerry C.’s boyfriend is, he deserves a Pulitzer. Or the Mark Twain Humor Award. Or the Noble Prize for comedy (those exist don’t they? Didn’t Jeff Dunham get it last year for his work with Achmed the Dead Terrorist?) Or all of the above. Sure he’s probably not the person originally responsible for this phrase. It’s on Urban Dictionary. But it’s now in Cosmo, so I’m attributing it to him. He’s the Shakespeare of Discovery Channel double entendres.
Dress Expensively & You can Turn the Morning After Into the Morning Of
Cosmo Says: Here’s a two page layout for what to wear the morning after, so that you’ll look less Arizona State slutty and more Upper East Side slutty. Even if most Arizona State girls assume that, because they watch Sex and the City, they’re less Arizona State slutty, and more Upper East Side slutty, anyway. (Pages 94-95)
We Say: Morning after a little awkward? That’s nothing that spending a thousand dollars on a Laugh Cry Repeat/Joe’s Jeans/DSQUARED/Michael Kors ensemble won’t resolve. Because if anything fixes the inevitable anti-climax of climaxing, and the acknowledgement that realistically we’re all dying alone anyway, it’s lavender matched with heather grey.
Girls Will Blow You While You Play Video Games
Cosmo Says: As one of their Kinky-Lite Sex Moves Guys Love Cosmo suggests “See who can level up faster in your favorite video game while the other person is going down on them” (Page 114)
We Say: Seriously, is the writing staff of Cosmo secretly all 16 year old boys? I’m not complaining, just inquiring. Also I had no idea video games were popular with girls until two of my younger female cousins spent Christmas talking about Call of Duty while I listened emasculated. Further proving an already obvious point, no matter how bad they may really have it, you will always wish you were part of the subsequent generation. Gen-Y, facing a non-existent job market, flocks to law school, despite a legal world where there will soon be more lawyers than laws? So what? When I was growing up Gen-X, nobody was blowing me while playing video games.
Need to Spice Up Your Sex Life? Porn!
Cosmo Says: Back to those Kinky-lite Sex Moves Guys Love, Cosmo suggests “putting on his favorite porn and acting out the sex scenes as they’re happening.” (Page 115)
We Say: I actually tried this, but we both got so engrossed in what was happening in Coyote Ugly that we just ended up finishing the movie.
Nipples are Your Other G-Spot
Cosmo Says: Pretty much just that. (Pages 116-117)
We Say: I’m not sure this is new news, but nipples are apparently the new G-Spot, which officially makes babies more sexually active than most college students. And college students are lying anyway.
You Can Work Out...Without Effing Up Your Hair
Cosmo Says: According to the Surgeon General many women skip the gym to preserve their blowout. Truth. (Page 155)
We Say: Ladies, take this from a guy that travels with his blow dryer (you can’t trust the ones in hotels), it is impossible to work out and not have your hair look like Glenn Danzig or Lemmy Kilmister’s. Choose one or the other. And I swear I didn’t just include this so all 3 female readers would know I work out and have good hair. I have a girlfriend…who I made up exclusively for purposes of this post.
Attention Cancers: If it's January it's Time to Titty F*ck!
Cosmo Says: The sexy horoscope for Cancer for January reads as follows “Lotion up your boobs and have him thrust between them.” (Page 161)
We Say: This is actually the third reference in this month’s Cosmo to titty fucking. I feel like if you gave an unthawed Caveman a copy of Cosmo to help him better understand modern women even he would find some of their suggestions Neanderthal. And Cavemen had to use sticks as dildos.