You know who you are; Halloween is just around the corner, and to you, choosing a costume is as tedious and soul-sucking as going to the DMV. Maybe you’re cheap, maybe you’re lazy, maybe you just don’t give a sh*t. Hell, this was going to be a “Top 10” list, but I knew you lazy bastards wouldn’t read past “5”. So let’s get to it; here’s to your depthless ingenuity!
What You Need: White panties. White tank top. Possibly a Brazilian wax.
OverAchieve: Throw in a stuffed cat animal (seriously, what was with towing that cat around? I love animals, but if there’s a blood thirsty space beast after me, I feel like it’s every cat for themselves.)
How To: Simply put on undies and tank, and wah-la! You’re done!
Pros: You get to lounge around in your underwear all night.
Cons: You’ll probably get sexually harassed every 5 seconds.
NBC Page/Kenneth the Page from “30 Rock":
For the more ambitious lazy person, this fun costume gives you a chance to do a little bit of acting, and is very low maintenance (except for, like, putting on socks and stuff...)
Cost: $ - $$
What You Need: A printer/ fake NBC badge(provided below),tape, suit & tie (if you’re an adult male and don’t own a suit, you need to start making better life choices.)
OverAchieve: Go all out and dress as Kenneth and buy a blonde bowl cut wig, create Dharma Initiative pamphlets to stuff out of your pants pockets, and SMILE.
How To: Photoshop your photo onto the page, or just print it out and awkwardly draw your face. Put on suit and tie. Tape on badge. Phew.
* Obviously, I do not own the NBC logo, all rights belong to them, blah blah blah, Don't sue. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Pros: You can give tours of your party host’s abode to other guests. Feel free to rummage through their medicine cabinets, under their beds, through their trash. Really dig up any embarrassing dirt.
Cons: To pull off Kenneth, you need to be able to do that whole “body is just a flesh vessel, for an immortal being whose name, if you heard it, would make you lose your mind” thing, which requires extra work.
It’s as tried-and-true as the saying “tried-and-true”, but it gets the job done. Your costume can go as far as your limited, half-assed imagination.
What You Need: Fake blood, which you can buy at any costume store, or you can DIY with corn syrup and red food dye ala “Carrie”.
OverAchieve: Recycle old costumes or go to Goodwill. You can be a “bloody doctor”, a “bloody pirate hooker”, or really confuse people and go with the “bloody ugly Christmas Sweater”.
"Bloody Pirate Hooker"
How To: Lay out clothes outside/ anywhere you don’t want stained. Splatter fake blood everywhere. Let dry.
Pros: Will take you about 5 minutes.
Cons: Good luck getting that red dye out of your skin. It’ll look like you murdered 12 cats for at least 3 days.
This easy-to-do costume can be done in about 10-15 minutes, and you should already have all the supplies in your kitchen. This can also double as a “Robot” or “SpaceMan” costume.
What You Need: packing tape ,aluminum foil.
OverAchieve: Write passive aggressive notes on Post-Its and place them on your body. Buy some Ziplock bags and fried chicken,tape Ziplock bags on body, place chicken inside bags; eat like a king all night.
How to: Wrap yourself in aluminum foil. Tape to secure pieces.
Pros: If you get cold, you can just stand under a lamp to heat yourself back up.
Cons: That annoying, metallic friction sound from walking and/or moving any part of your body.
"Mustache Rides" Guy (or Girl)
There’s always a pervert at every Halloween party. This year, let it BE YOU!
What You Need: A Black Sharpie, Piece of Paper, tape
OverAchieve: Buy a thick mustache at a costume shop to get that extra creepy, furry feel.
How To: Simply use a Sharpie or Black eyeliner pencil to draw on a mustache (I suggest a nice thick “Selleck” or the traditional “Handlebar”.) Write “Mustache Rides” on a piece of paper and tape it to your chest. You can even be more creative/creepy and write a fee, i.e. “$5”. Just don’t be surprised if you don’t make, or somehow even lose money by the end of the night. This costume becomes even more unsettling if worn by a girl.
Pros: It takes longer to sneeze than to make this costume.
Cons: You might find yourself standing alone at the party.