Every I Saturday I sit down with The Duke and make a list.

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April 09, 2011

The Duke's Bucket List

25. Swim the English Channel

24. Tell a movie star they were great in a movie they weren't in.

23. Floss

22. Make a scrapbook of my neighbor's children and give it to them anonymously for Christmas.

21. Create and win the first Nobel Prize for being cool.

20. Read a book

19. Coach a group of rag tag, underdog, inner-city youths to a championship over the bully rich-kid school.

18. Pin Roddy Piper

17. Have sex with a man

16. Have sex with a woman

15. Have sex with anything

14. Sell government secrets

13. Pop a wheelie

12. Murder

11. Hire an interior decorator to spruce up my sex dungeon. Give it more of an old time dungeony feel with a oubliette, trapdoor and torture chamber. Almost forgot, I need to hire a hunchback to keep guard and jangle his keys and snicker uncontrollably when he slides the stale bread and cold soup under your door.

I can't wait!

10. Go to a Tyler Perry movie at Times Square and scream out, "Don't go in there! Dammmmmmn!"

9. Hold up the south Williamsburg Walgreens at gun point and force them to actually work for 15 minutes straight without a break. No extended conversations about family with "mami" and "papi" at the register. The drunk security guard is not allowed to eye rape the customers while licking his lips. All registers will be opened at the same time for the first time ever. Then while the customers are chanting my name I will take a perfectly symmetrical dump in the perfume department.

8. Be the care-taker at an isolated hotel for the winter

7. Invent a field so I can be in the top of my field.

6. Watch a donkey show

5. Regret watching a donkey show

4. Be part of a performance art piece by tripping a performance artist.

3. Challenge a Tea Party member to a game of chess. Or anything.

2. Get into an argument with a girl at a restaurant that evolves into me begging her to "Please calm down" with her replying, "You want me to calm down! You fucked my sister!". Then she throws her wine in my face and storms out. I calmly remain seated and finish my dinner like nothing happened.  Then I call her sister.

1. Glass Bottom Boat