Ever feel insecure about the gift you just purchased for a loved one? We’ve all been there. Some people are happy with a gift card and a phone call. And then there’s the other half. You know, like that brother-in-law who’s thirty and collects my little pony figures (yes they exist, and they call themselves "bronies”).
Lets face it, your tragically quirky relative is here for the long haul. And every time their birthday rolls around you’ll be faced with the dilemma of what to buy them. If you know your loved one’s taste falls between the spectrum of dorky and eccentric, consider one of these…
$89.95 on Amazon.com
Wake up in style just, in time in time to catch the fourth hour of the Today Show. Later in the day, show your neighbors that you have swag as you visit the mailbox to retrieve your EDD check.
Glow In The Dark Toilet Paper
$8.56 on Amazon.com
Getting up in the middle of the night to take a drunk poop has never been easier with this stellar addition to the world of toiletries. Dr. Oz would agree, this product serves as the perfect litmus test to see if your stool samples are the correct healthy shade of brown. If paper turns red, you may have cancer.
Zombie Survival Marathon Race
$87.00 on runforyourlives.com
Actually, This one sounds pretty fun. Provided those zombie actors try their hardest. Not like those lazy zombies you’ll find at Knott’s Scary Farm every October.
Sex is dangerous these days. Why take the chance of ever getting laid again?
Back To The Kitchen Shirt
$20.59 on tmartn.spreadshirt.com
There’s no better way to show that special lady in your life how much you appreciate her than sending her a message of misogyny. Let her father know that you’ve done a good job suppressing his daughter’s dream of ever finding a respectable mate.
Hot Dog Hamburger Mold
$14.99 on Amazon.com
Nothing says “I’m different", like fucking up a simple American tradition such as a barbecue.
iCrash Steering Wheel Adapter
$39.99 on Etsy.com
Finally, a reason to disable your car’s controversial airbag function.
Diesel Powered MechWarior
$1,350,000.00 at www.suidobashijuko.jp
Back in our day, bullies didn’t tease us on facebook. They straight up humiliated us to our face. Hopefully you’ve proven them wrong, and have grown up to became the CEO of a fortune 500 company. For those who haven’t, show your cojones with this sure fire method of intimidation. The Kuratas Diesel Powered MechWarior can be operated from your smart phone and includes a function called Smile Shot. With Smile Shot, your Kuratas can fire 6,000 BB pellets per minute by sensing your smile.
What’s more bizarre than owning a diesel powered death machine, you ask? Well, the companies promotional video is a close runner up.