6 Signs You Had Sex With a Heroin Addict

I had sex with a heroin addict.

At the time I didn't know she was a heroin addict. It was an honest mistake, but then months later I mistakenly had sex with a different heroin addict. Two heroin addicts. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to make sure it doesn't happen again, so I went to an addiction website to learn how to recognize the signs of a heroin addict.

Here are the signs of a heroin user:

Alternately wakeful and drowsy

This actually describes me perfectly. So that's one thing I have in common with a heroin addict.

Droopy Appearance

Okay, I may have somewhat of a droopy appearance, my eyes sometimes have bags and if I keep smoking weed for ten more years I'm fairly confident that I'll look like a basset hound.

Possession of Unexplained Valuables


I'm not sure where I fall on this one. I don't have any unexplained valuables because I do not have anything that is valuable. However if I did have something valuable I probably wouldn't be able to explain it.


Sometimes I feel so good it makes me forget that I was the last child chosen at my orphanage.

Unexplained Absences at Work, School or Family Events

Come on, how many baseball games does a father have to go to? It's a long season.

Ignores Consequences of Chosen Behaviors

Yes. Just like me. Folks, I've finally realized why I've been fucking all of these heroin addicts. Because we're made for each other.

Ladies, have you tried heroin today?