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Published August 03, 2010

This not-so-recent-anymore economic turmoil has affected a lot of people in our country, some more than others.  Yes, I’m talking specifically about aspiring gun owners.  I know it’s hard to believe, but some people in our great country can’t even afford guns anymore.  Can you imagine that?  A life devoid of those things that make really loud noises.  What, are we living in the Canadian suburbs? 

 

Here are a few helpful tips to help those without guns, make people think that they have guns.

Shout “I have a gun!”

This tactic works best around the fearful.  Try using it in churches, preschools, or your local Curves.  Try to avoid using it in places where people may actually own guns like police stations, high schools, or within one square mile of Ted Nugent

Creative shadow work.

In the right light, and with the right poses, you can easily trick people into thinking you’re packing heat.  Try to avoid making shadows that enhance the size of your genitalia.  When you have a gun, size doesn’t matter.     

Fruit.

We’ve all seen what a banana inside a jacket pocket can accomplish.*             

*This of course is a reference to the popular 90’s criminal “Banana Gun Jones.” Banana Gun Jones terrorized stores and markets in the Los Angeles area using just a Members Only jacket and a banana.  He successfully robbed over 100 establishments, accumulating over $200,000 in cash and jewelry.  Banana Gun fled the United States before ever getting caught.  He spent his remaining years in the banana rich jungles of Panama, eventually succumbing to the country’s deadly machete epidemic. 

Get shot.

When people ask you what happened, tell them that you were in a gunfight.  Ownership of your own gun is then implied. 

Put a lot of stuff in your pockets.

Everyone’s got stuff.  Just shove that stuff into your pockets and walk around like you have lots of stuff in your pockets.  You’ll look just like Schwarzenegger did in Commando, and everyone knows what happened to the people who kidnapped his daughter in that movie.  They died.  From guns.*

*Results may definitely vary   

Don’t masturbate with shampoo.

Not a gun thing, just good advice.

Buy a gun handle.

The more expensive parts of a gun are in the front, but all some people need to see is the handle. Stick the handle inside the waist of your pants and give people a peek.  If that doesn’t work, show them a handful of bullets.  “I’m totally gonna load my gun later with these bullets that shoot,” is a good thing to say to keep them on their toes. 

Find a mime.

Those idiots will believe anything is real.  

I hope these tips help you get that feeling of power back in your life.  If not, just remember that somewhere out there there’s a guy that’s not you running a 5K for reasons meaningless to most.   

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