No one really expects Christmas music to be good. They’re songs about Jesus and snow. But it’s not unreasonable to expect it to at least be bearable, particularly since most of the time spent listening to it is when you’re drunk or in church, or drunk and in church. But this song is awful. So awful McCartney’s time with the Beatles barely makes up for it. Because I hear Clearly Having a Wonderful Christmas Time a hell of a lot more often in a Walgreens than I do Oh Darling. Am I being unfair? Maybe. But how the hell is it that Billy Squire can write a kick-ass Christmas song and Macca, a fucking Beatle, can’t? What’s that? Because John Lennon wrote all the good Beatles songs? Ah.
Ironic Holiday Sweater Parties
Basically the adult equivalent of a Pimps and Hoes party. Question, given the age range – mid-20’s to mid-30’s – and occupations – attorneys and accountants – of most of these parties’ attendees, at what point does the bad holiday sweater party become just, you know, a holiday party?
People Who Think Calling Die Hard their Favorite Christmas Movie is Edgy
Hey, we’ve found the one group of people who think liking a Bruce Willis movie is edgy (except, possibly, for those who actually enjoyed Breakfast of Champions). Here’s the deal people who think calling Die Hard your favorite holiday movie is edgy, Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It is set during Christmas. It has Christmas songs on the soundtrack. Its plot revolves around a Christmas party. It is as much a Christmas movie as A Christmas Carol. Or A Christmas Story. It might as well be called A Christmas Die Hard. Want an edgier alternative? Try Batman Returns. Or Prancer. Or Straw Dogs.
Complaining About it Not Being Christmas Without Snow
I get why you moved from Boston or Chicago. I get that you don’t have to shovel sunshine. I get that you found the one good reason to live in Phoenix other than the ability to buy Charles Barkley shots of Patron. So why, every holiday season, do you insist on reminding me that the holidays just aren’t the same without snow? If you miss it so much, move back. Then I can at least watch football games at the Pink Taco without having to listen to you whine about how the playoffs also won’t be the same if the Bears aren’t in them as you eat nacho cheese sauce off your Urlacher jersey.
Yeah, yeah, no one likes chain emails at any time of year. But at least certain emails serve some kind of purpose, like helping you figure out which of your coworkers is secretly racist, or reminding you why you broke up with the girl with the lolcat fetish. But holiday chain emails only want to remind you that you have no right to be miserable because there are people who have it way more miserable than you. Look at Christmas Shoes, which became its own cottage industry of Christmas misery. Going from an awful chain e-mail, to a more awful song, to an even more awful movie, to an even more awfuler sequel. A sitcom version of this starring Dave Coulier will probably be what replaces Community in the spring.
It’s the one thing during the holidays that doesn’t actually make me feel terrible about being single! I’m not sure who these commercials are intended to cater to, other than teenaged boys who turn their bedrooms into fake French restaurants on Valentine’s Day and force their parents to wear berets and pretend to be waiters. And even those kids could come up with cleverer fake restaurant names than Chez Francois. If this is modern romance I’m quite content to spend New Year’s Eve drunk on a couch alone with my cat Zelda and a Steel Reserve 40.
Not because they suck. But because they don’t. Why do I have to wait until December to drink eggnog and brandy? Or have a McDonald’s peppermint milkshake? There are plenty of people who drink Guinness when it’s not St. Patrick’s Day. Granted these people wear vests and/or are members of Mumford and Son but what the fuck?
The Holidays Being Over
Now what am I supposed to bitch about? MLK Day? Pretty sure that would make me racist.
Added over 1 year ago
1325 funny votes
525 die votes
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
- Not all Xmas music is awful. "L'Enfance du Christ" by the French composer Hector Berlioz is an underappreciated gem. There's a strange 7-beat-to-the-measure section that David Brubeck would have adored!
- the Lexus ads are the worst thing ever! i will never buy one for that reason.
- Let me tell you, the day I finally broke down and bought a snowblower (just a little, but gutsy 2-cycle Toro, weighs just 30 pounds, paddle drive) was one of the best days of my life in snow country, and I have always lived in snow country, and considered myself a good and able shoveler. But Lord, clearing the driveway, the sidewalk and the neighbor's double driveway in under an hour from a 10-inch snowfall is like getting manna from heaven. My other revelation was the day I bought a chainsaw. There is a God. Of powertools.
- Don't forget, "Santa Claus is a Black Man" The greatest of all Christmas songs.
- Some people just do not understand the true meaning of Christmas. The author of this article really needs to reflect upon his life and realize something must really be missing if he's this negative, especially about Christmas!
- Isn't it "Simply having a wonderful Christmas Time"
- ... Prancer?
- this is probably the lamest thing funny or die has done
- John Lennon didn't write ALL the great Beatles songs - Here Comes The Sun, Blackbird, She's Leaving Home, Yesterday, etc.
- I can add Barbra Streisand's version of "Jingle Bells." UGH!!!!!!
- Ice Harvest?
- number 9. i hate listening to all the people who whine about the cold, wet, muddy snow...after a summer of hearing "It's sooo hot! I wish it was winter." shut it.
- Hey,give you an exciting site --Seekcasual.C óM--- Pls check it out.I think you will like it. Thank you very much.
- Ahhh, I agree with seasonal drinks. I hate waiting for eggnog or Starbucks peppermint mocha. Yum!
- I do hate that song. And the proof of that Lennon statement...Happy X-Mas (War is Over)
- You forgot all those annoying electric razor commercials!!!
- I know people who say Die Hard is their favorite Christmas movie...it has always made me laugh.
- Yeah I know this is 2 months old, but I don't care how old this is, I love Christmas, this will always be relevant, and I agree 100% with everything written.