8 Things to Hate About the Holidays

No one really expects Christmas music to be good. They’re songs about Jesus and snow. But it’s not unreasonable to expect it to at least be bearable, particularly since most of the time spent listening to it is when you’re drunk or in church, or drunk and in church. But this song is awful. So awful McCartney’s time with the Beatles barely makes up for it. Because I hear Clearly Having a Wonderful Christmas Time a hell of a lot more often in a Walgreens than I do Oh Darling. Am I being unfair? Maybe. But how the hell is it that Billy Squire can write a kick-ass Christmas song and Macca, a fucking Beatle, can’t? What’s that? Because John Lennon wrote all the good Beatles songs? Ah.

 Basically the adult equivalent of a Pimps and Hoes party. Question, given the age range – mid-20’s to mid-30’s – and occupations – attorneys and accountants – of most of these parties’ attendees, at what point does the bad holiday sweater party become just, you know, a holiday party?

Hey, we’ve found the one group of people who think liking a Bruce Willis movie is edgy (except, possibly, for those who actually enjoyed Breakfast of Champions). Here’s the deal people who think calling Die Hard your favorite holiday movie is edgy, Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It is set during Christmas. It has Christmas songs on the soundtrack. Its plot revolves around a Christmas party. It is as much a Christmas movie as A Christmas Carol. Or A Christmas Story. It might as well be called A Christmas Die Hard. Want an edgier alternative? Try Batman Returns. Or Prancer. Or Straw Dogs.

I get why you moved from Boston or Chicago. I get that you don’t have to shovel sunshine. I get that you found the one good reason to live in Phoenix other than the ability to buy Charles Barkley shots of Patron. So why, every holiday season, do you insist on reminding me that the holidays just aren’t the same without snow? If you miss it so much, move back. Then I can at least watch football games at the Pink Taco without having to listen to you whine about how the playoffs also won’t be the same if the Bears aren’t in them as you eat nacho cheese sauce off your Urlacher jersey.

Yeah, yeah, no one likes chain emails at any time of year. But at least certain emails serve some kind of purpose, like helping you figure out which of your coworkers is secretly racist, or reminding you why you broke up with the girl with the lolcat fetish. But holiday chain emails only want to remind you that you have no right to be miserable because there are people who have it way more miserable than you. Look at Christmas Shoes, which became its own cottage industry of Christmas misery. Going from an awful chain e-mail, to a more awful song, to an even more awful movie, to an even more awfuler sequel. A sitcom version of this starring Dave Coulier will probably be what replaces Community in the spring.

It’s the one thing during the holidays that doesn’t actually make me feel terrible about being single! I’m not sure who these commercials are intended to cater to, other than teenaged boys who turn their bedrooms into fake French restaurants on Valentine’s Day and force their parents to wear berets and pretend to be waiters. And even those kids could come up with cleverer fake restaurant names than Chez Francois. If this is modern romance I’m quite content to spend New Year’s Eve drunk on a couch alone with my cat Zelda and a Steel Reserve 40.

Not because they suck. But because they don’t. Why do I have to wait until December to drink eggnog and brandy? Or have a McDonald’s peppermint milkshake? There are plenty of people who drink Guinness when it’s not St. Patrick’s Day. Granted these people wear vests and/or are members of Mumford and Son but what the fuck?

Now what am I supposed to bitch about? MLK Day? Pretty sure that would make me racist.