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November 12, 2010

Christ had said he'd be back. He seems a little shy, so here are my top ten ways of coaxing him back to Earth!

10. Tell Jesus that the Holy Spirit has been here for a loooong time and has been talking smack about him.

9. Sarah Palin is here - even Jesus would have to see her to believe her.

8. Mad Men is premiering July 25th and I'm throwing a kick ass kickoff party! Jesus, you are invited.

7. Jesus would be super popular - to the point it's kinda of culty.

6. We'd get everyone in the world to bake cookies just for Jesus. Who could resist that?

5. I'd let him do a guest post on Laughing In Purgatory.

4. Monkeys - there I said it. We have monkeys and Heaven doesn't.

3. We get all the horoscopes in the world to print Christ is coming TODAY! I don't think Jesus would want to discredit the elaborate science of Horoscopology.

2. In reference to #6 - We would synchronize the world's cookies to exit the ovens at the same time. There would be cookies and they'd be warm. Mmmmmmm

1. Jesus would get his own reality show on basic cable.  We could call it something like: Ice Road Truck'n Jesus, Hoarders for Christ, or Cheaters - Jesus Knows The Nasty Sh*t You've Been Up To.

It would be perfection...

In  Purgatory.