Itâs a world gone mad. Each day the people and things around us seem to make just a little less sense than the day before. Millions are still watching The Bachelor; Cameron Diaz keeps getting work; Mark Zuckerberg has a billion dollars. Itâs a baffling state of affairs. Perhaps itâs a sign of the end-times. Maybe the Mayans were right, and the last of the sand is circling the bottom of Earthâs hourglass. Or maybe the universeâs faÃ§ade has broken, and weâre finally catching a glimpse of the howling frenzy of the entropy lurking below the surface. Either way, the world is becoming increasingly insane, and more and more often people are turning to madmen for guidanceâmen like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Libyan Leader Muammar Ghaddafi, and Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong-Il.
âI sleep with the nude ghost of 70âs Elvis.â
Well if weâve garnered anything from television, movies, and the internet, itâs that the best way to remain alpha dog is to constantly one-up your rivals. In accordance with this principle, we feel itâs time for a President of such abject insanity that shit-house rats flee him shrieking in terror. Fortunately for us, Charlie Sheen is recently unemployed
, and his behavior of late has been described by experts as ââ¦like unto a schizophrenic homeless man, swatting at invisible bats and raving at the sky.â 
âIâve got tigerâs blood and Adonisâ DNA. Also, Iâm a warlock.â
But is Charlie really deranged enough to cow and intimidate the best the world has to offer in shit-throwing, Kleenex-boxes-for-shoes, foreign potentates? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may repeatedly and publicly question and deny the holocaust
, calling it a sham to validate the creation of the Israeli state, but Charlie Sheen claims that the September 11th attacks were orchestrated by the Bush administration
to justify the invasion of Iraq. Kim Jong-Il might maintain a staff of 2000 attractive young women
whose duty it is to ensure his personal pleasure and happiness, but Charlie has been known to run up a $26,000 prostitute tab
in a single weekend and has his own bevy of live-in porn stars, some of which bear his personal brand
. Muammar Ghaddafi may give de facto endorsement for Libyan troops to fire on unarmed civilians
in the streets of Tripoli, but Charlie Sheen personally endorses shooting your fiancÃ©
and threatening to stab your wife in the eye
. When it comes to crazy, President Sheen is clearly the equal of anyone else on tap.
âCharlieâs love of women is rivaled only by my love of the Batman!â
Additionally, history shows that having a lunatic President isnât necessarily a bad thing. Andrew Jackson was known to beat people with a hickory stick, shoot men over gambling debts, and once in awhile smear cheese all over the White House
. Yet between bouts of murderous rage and maniacal laughter from atop his mountain of Cheshire, Jackson still managed to reduce the national debt to $33,733.05âthe lowest level in the history of the nation. Also, Sheen certainly has what it takes to get electedâpeople seem to love his particular brand of dementia. Not only did his Twitter feed set a world record
, but apparently his talents are sufficient to get fifteen million people to digest a half-hour of the most hackneyed, clichÃ©d sitcom writing on television week after week after week. Plus his dad was great on The West Wing
, and that has to count for something, right?But does he have what it takes to be a legend?
We asked our research team here at Funny or Die to produce a model of the Sheen presidency, placing him in various situations against a variety of political opponents and evaluating his overall effectiveness. Mr. Sheenâs responses were compiled from direct quotations
, and we think the results speak for themselves. The following is a simulated transcript of a summit meeting between President Sheen and Hu Jintao, Paramount Leader of the Peopleâs Republic of China, regarding a massive buildup of U.S. Armed Forces near the poppy fields of the Xinjiang Province:
Hu Jintao: You invited us here to discuss the sudden increase of U.S. military forces in Northeastern Afghanistan. Why have you deployed these assets near our border?
President Sheen: Iâm a peaceful man with bad intentions.
Hu Jintao: What do you mean by this? What is the purpose of this interview?
President Sheen: Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?
Hu Jintao: Is that some sort of threat, President Sheen?
President Sheen: Mistook this rock star, Bro.
Hu Jintao: I donât listen to popular music, and I am not your brother, Mr. President. What I want is a clear statement that you have no intention of attacking China.
President Sheen: Everybody has a black belt and carries a gun. I donât mess with people.
Hu Jintao: Very good, Mr. President. But if you do not plan to âmessâ with anyone, why did you deploy troops near our border?
President Sheen: Thereâs a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.
Hu Jintao: Are you saying that there is a new warlord in the area? Does he plan to strike against the Peopleâs Republic?
President Sheen: Your perimeterâs been breached. You got work to do, Bro.
Hu Jintao: Again, Mr. President, I am not your brother, but you seem to be implying that Afghani operatives have infiltrated my country. Is that correct?
President Sheen: I donât think people are ready for the message Iâm delivering.
Hu Jintao: I assure you, Mr. President, my country and I will listen closely if you have any intelligence regarding a threat to our security.
President Sheen: Itâs a war. And itâs on.
Hu Jintao: So enemy agents are already in place? What do you recommend?
President Sheen: Just sit back and enjoy the show.
Hu Jintao: That is why your troops are present? You have prepared a counter operation? What do you stand to gain by helping China?
President Sheen: Who wants to deal with all the small-talk?
Hu Jintao: I must know your motives before authorizing any intervention. Surely, you have some reason for this.
President Sheen: Add some gold.
Hu Jintao: What are you saying? You wantâ¦ some sort of fiscal reimbursement?
President Sheen: Read behind the hieroglyphics, man. Put on your cytology cap.
Hu Jintao: Well, your country is deeply in debt to mine. I suppose we could arrange to forgive some portion of that.
President Sheen: Teamwork. Bang.
Hu Jintao: Are you positive you can neutralize the threat?
President Sheen: My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.
Hu Jintao: As long as you are certainâ¦
President Sheen: I am battle-tested bayonets, Bro.
Hu Jintao: Very well then. I authorize your men to intercede on Chinaâs behalf, and in return we shall conveniently âforgetâ a portion of your countryâs debt.
President Sheen: Winning.