5 Candidates We Demand to See in 2012

If there’s anything America loves more than making fun of the quasi-retarded trying to sing, it’s a good rags-to-riches story, and the life of James Earl Jones is a truly inspiring one.  Abandoned by his father before he was born, Jones grew up on a farm in rural Michigan and was, for most of his youth, almost entirely mute.  Why would someone with a voice as powerful as Jones refuse to speak?  Because like a certain other President, James Earl Jones had a stutter that made Porky Pig look like Winston Churchill.


Jones refused to despair, however, and in a move worthy of a Lifetime Original Movie, eventually overcame his speech impediment with the help of a dedicated teacher and the power of poetry.  He would later go on to serve as a U.S. Army Ranger, win a Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award, and possess what is perhaps the most widely recognized voice in the world.


And while Jones’ biography is sufficiently mythical to almost guarantee Presidential victory, it certainly isn’t his trump.  In fact, Jones’ greatest asset is thirty years of leadership experience, because even though he has never held public office, Americans have grown accustomed to seeing him in positions of power.  At one time or another, he’s played nearly every type of leader imaginable.  Sorcerous Demagogue?  Check.  Admiral and Head of the CIA?  Check.  African King?  Check.  King of the Jungle?  Check.  President of the United States?  Check.  Cyborg Vice President of a Galaxy-spanning Empire?  Motherfucking Check.

With Jones on the ballot, the 2012 election would be the biggest landslide since Walter Mondale first tried the Chick-Vice-President Gambit in 1984.

But does he have what it takes to be a legend?

If history’s greatest Presidents have taught us anything, it’s that words are the mightiest weapon in the arsenal of democracy.  Ronald Reagan used them to end the Cold War in front of a wall in Berlin; Abraham Lincoln used them to heal the broken heart of a nation in a field in Gettysburg; and Thomas Jefferson used a mere 1337 of them to end the tyrannical reign of a monarch half-a-world away.


The words of Presidents are mighty indeed, but imagine their additional power when delivered in the resounding basso voice of James Earl Jones.  Oratory of that magnitude could not only change history, it could shatter worlds.  There would be nothing Americans could not or would not do at the behest of President Jones: no goal would be too difficult, no task too insane.
Picture yourself sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy, Doritos crumbs littering your chest as you shout woefully incorrect answers at Alex Trebek, when suddenly the broadcast is interrupted for a special announcement from the President…


Within minutes of that speech thundering forth from televisions across the nation, President James Earl Jones would have more Americans north of the border groping for Canadian beaver than Toronto’s HookerCon 2011.

Ask any ten Americans to name the most scrotum-burstingly awesome President in the history of our great nation, and you’ll hear the name Theodore Roosevelt no fewer than eight thousand times.  Why?  Because there’s nothing Americans love more than a manly man of action.  Well “Manly-Action” would be Edward Michael Grylls middle name, if he hadn’t already abandoned it for a far more bitchin’ moniker.  And if you think it an odd coincidence that Mr. Grylls’ nickname is strikingly similar to Mr. Roosevelt’s, we’ve got news for you.  There’s nothing coincidental about it: Bear Grylls is nothing less than the Dalai Lama-esque reincarnation of Teddy Roosevelt.


Skeptical?  Then examine the facts.  Roosevelt was a famed sportsman, renowned for his boxing and judo skills.  Grylls has killed nearly every animal imaginable with his bare hands and has a black belt in karate.  Roosevelt was famous for leading an elite group of survivalists in the nation’s first regiment of volunteer cavalry.  Grylls spent three years providing survival training to British SAS operatives.  Roosevelt was nominated for a Medal of Honor for laughing at death during charges up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War.  Grylls held a Guinness World Record for being the youngest man to spit in the face of death while climbing Mount Everest.  For his lifetime of achievement and exploration, The Boy Scouts of America honored Roosevelt with the title of Chief Scout Citizen.  In 2009, for his lifetime of achievement and exploration, Grylls was voted Chief Scout of the United Kingdom.  Roosevelt survived asthma and malaria to become one of America’s most revered Presidents.  Grylls survived a 1600 foot fall and the most hostile environments in the world to become one of America’s most popular cable television hosts.


But does he have what it takes to be a legend?

If climbing a mountain that Sir Edmund Hillary once called “unclimbable” and sailing across the North Atlantic in an inflatable boat for charity aren’t enough to officially declare him a legend, then his stint in the White House would certainly finish the job.  Grylls has the potential to become perhaps America’s greatest diplomat.  In addition to being able to wow foreign dignitaries with amazing and bizarre feats of survival, Bear has the intestinal fortitude to suffer through the worst imaginable in state dining.  While some Presidents vomit on the Prime Minister of Japan, Bear will happily swallow a raw testicle fresh from the goat to avoid offending his host.  And in underdeveloped countries, Bear’s ability to fashion shelter from literally anything will engender lasting goodwill by providing much needed infrastructure.


But even in the unlikely event that Bear’s astounding intestinal fortitude and survival skills aren’t sufficient to emasculate and humble a foreign head of state, he can always fall back on his commando training.  Where a breakdown in relations would send other Presidents crying to the U.N. for worthless sanctions and embargoes, President Bear would simply parachute in and stage a revolution using only a good sharp knife and a loyal horde of army ants recruited with his natural pheromones.


And for those of you hung up on the fact that Bear isn’t a natural born citizen, we would like to politely suggest the ratification of a 28th Constitutional amendment allowing naturalized citizens to serve as President, lest the zombified corpse of Teddy Roosevelt rise up and devour your pets, children, spouses, and immortal souls for denying his chosen successor.

Ever since elocutionist and noted speller Dan Quayle puked up the words “poverty of values” in a 1992 speech about Murphy Brown, politicians have been wailing about the death of family values in America.  It’s a eulogy they’ve been delivering for almost twenty years now, and like a drunken uncle at a wake, they show no signs of stopping anytime soon.


This year’s candidates are already on the bandwagon, their sermons polished, their shoes shined, and their proselytizing pants freshly pressed as they ache to wean us from our wicked ways and lead us to a solid moral footing.  Unfortunately for the candidates, most Americans couldn’t agree on what constitutes a solid moral foot if it kicked them in the taint with a steel-toed boot.  Well, we’ve decided that it’s high time Americans embrace their moral vagary.  It’s time we choose a President whose moral compass is shakier than Michael J. Fox after a six pack of Red Bull.  It’s time we choose a President whose sexual exploits make the rest of us look like Radio Shack cashiers.  It’s time we choose Hugh M. Hefner.


With President Hefner squirting DNA around the Oval Office like a kid with a Super-Soaker, arguments over moral issues become entirely pointless.  The federal government could at last stop squabbling over ridiculously personal matters like abortion and same-sex marriage, instead devoting their time to such novel pursuits as ensuring the safety and welfare of the citizenry.  And while Hefner’s sexual antics grandly eliminate pointless ethical disputes, they in no way hinder his effectiveness as Chief Executive.  After all, some of our most successful Presidents have been cocksmen of the highest order.  The occasional ménage-a-trois at the Mayflower Hotel didn’t stop John F. Kennedy from founding the Peace Corps or convincing NASA to put a man on the moon; public urination and dong waving didn’t prevent Lyndon B. Johnson from passing the Civil Rights Act of 1964; and a proclivity for using White House interns as a personal humidor didn’t thwart William Jefferson Clinton from presiding over the longest period of domestic economic growth in American history.


Furthermore, since Hefner is directly responsible for the franchise that introduced most voting age men to both pornography and the nude female form, he’s a mortal lock for 49.04% of the popular vote.  Merely announcing his candidacy would preclude months of primaries and rescue us all from hours upon hours of boring news coverage and unwatchable debates.  Hefner is a win even if you don’t vote.

But does he have what it takes to be a legend?

If the effectiveness of a President is determined by their ability to pass legislation, then Hugh M. Hefner would be an unrivaled success.  With roughly 83% of U.S. Representatives and Senators sporting a penis, Hugh’s cadre of Bunny Lobbyists would wield unimaginable influence.  Their ability to garner votes from both sides of the rail would virtually guarantee a majority for any bill proposed by the White House, as well as break the stranglehold of special interest groups.  And the benefits of Hugh’s bunnytastic government don’t stop there.  Undaunted by the miserable failure of Clinton’s “Women of the Justice Department” calendars, Hugh would use his decades of publishing experience to create a highly successful, government-owned media empire—the crown jewel of which would be a reality television series centered around Hef’s all-Bunny cabinet titled Naked Government.


The revenue generated by this nationalized media giant would be apportioned solely to the reduction of the federal deficit, which would in turn eliminate America’s crippling debt and produce explosive economic growth without increasing taxes or cutting social welfare programs.

Lastly, President Hefner would be exactly what America needs to finally restore our image overseas.  Immediately upon election, the perception of the average American would transform from ignorant, self-centered, belligerent jerk to erudite, suave, person of culture—the sort of person who smokes a pipe, knows the difference between Monet and Manet, and is truly interested in the opinions of P.G. Wodehouse, Gore Vidal, and John Updike.  With Hef in the White House, Americans would at last be welcome and comfortable at cricket matches, operas, and bordellos around the world.

If there was anything to be learned from the elections in 2008 and 2010, it’s that America is hungry for high-profile female leadership.  In addition to President and Vice President, the last two elections have also boasted notable female contenders for seats in both the House and Senate.  Voters have grown weary of seeing the same crop of middle-aged men year after year—America is ready for a change, and that change damned well better have a sweet, sweet rack.


We here at Funny or Die are strong supporters of this movement (which we have tentatively dubbed The Décolletage Initiative) and have conducted exhaustive research in order to identify the perfect female candidate for the upcoming election.  From Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential campaign, we learned that it’s vital to be proud of your home, even if that home is buried in frozen moose dung and populated by high school dropouts.  From the Senatorial campaign of Linda McMahon, we discovered that there is no such thing as bad television exposure.  And after studying Christine O’Donnell’s Senate run, we quickly realized that qualifications are completely irrelevant as long as you can make a spectacle by spewing nonsensical, inflammatory rhetoric.  Also, being hot certainly doesn’t hurt, even if it’s in a vaguely oedipal way.


Armed with these simple principles, our researchers created detailed voting models, compiled complicated behavioral analysis algorithms, and ran extensive simulations for 2012.  After being named in no fewer than nine hundred restraining orders, our team determined that no female better embodies the aforementioned qualities than Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.  Furthermore, our research found that her entire campaign should be based on shouting the words “hot lesbian witches” at crowds across the nation while shaking her breasts and distributing buttons which read “A Witch for Every Box!”  Our data suggests that despite being a native of Santiago, Chile and legally too young to hold the office, Ms. Polizzi would garner no less than 92.5% of the popular vote.

But does she have what it takes to be a legend?

If being the first female President and the first President to gain office on a platform founded exclusively on homosexual witchcraft isn’t sufficient, President Snooki still has two paths to immortality.  The first path involves providing truly altruistic service—dedicating her existence to the needs of the others, working tirelessly to improve the quality of life for the unnamed, faceless multitudes, and making unimaginably difficult choices that will leave her forever haunted with regret and self-doubt.  The second path involves a chunk of high-velocity lead.

It’s a world gone mad.  Each day the people and things around us seem to make just a little less sense than the day before.  Millions are still watching The Bachelor; Cameron Diaz keeps getting work; Mark Zuckerberg has a billion dollars.  It’s a baffling state of affairs.  Perhaps it’s a sign of the end-times.  Maybe the Mayans were right, and the last of the sand is circling the bottom of Earth’s hourglass.  Or maybe the universe’s façade has broken, and we’re finally catching a glimpse of the howling frenzy of the entropy lurking below the surface.  Either way, the world is becoming increasingly insane, and more and more often people are turning to madmen for guidance—men like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Libyan Leader Muammar Ghaddafi, and Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong-Il.


Well if we’ve garnered anything from television, movies, and the internet, it’s that the best way to remain alpha dog is to constantly one-up your rivals.  In accordance with this principle, we feel it’s time for a President of such abject insanity that shit-house rats flee him shrieking in terror.  Fortunately for us, Charlie Sheen is recently unemployed, and his behavior of late has been described by experts as “…like unto a schizophrenic homeless man, swatting at invisible bats and raving at the sky.” [citation needed]


But is Charlie really deranged enough to cow and intimidate the best the world has to offer in shit-throwing, Kleenex-boxes-for-shoes, foreign potentates?  Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may repeatedly and publicly question and deny the holocaust, calling it a sham to validate the creation of the Israeli state, but Charlie Sheen claims that the September 11th attacks were orchestrated by the Bush administration to justify the invasion of Iraq.  Kim Jong-Il might maintain a staff of 2000 attractive young women whose duty it is to ensure his personal pleasure and happiness, but Charlie has been known to run up a $26,000 prostitute tab in a single weekend and has his own bevy of live-in porn stars, some of which bear his personal brand.  Muammar Ghaddafi may give de facto endorsement for Libyan troops to fire on unarmed civilians in the streets of Tripoli, but Charlie Sheen personally endorses shooting your fiancé and threatening to stab your wife in the eye.  When it comes to crazy, President Sheen is clearly the equal of anyone else on tap.


Additionally, history shows that having a lunatic President isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Andrew Jackson was known to beat people with a hickory stick, shoot men over gambling debts, and once in awhile smear cheese all over the White House.  Yet between bouts of murderous rage and maniacal laughter from atop his mountain of Cheshire, Jackson still managed to reduce the national debt to $33,733.05—the lowest level in the history of the nation.  Also, Sheen certainly has what it takes to get elected—people seem to love his particular brand of dementia.  Not only did his Twitter feed set a world record, but apparently his talents are sufficient to get fifteen million people to digest a half-hour of the most hackneyed, clichéd sitcom writing on television week after week after week.  Plus his dad was great on The West Wing, and that has to count for something, right?

But does he have what it takes to be a legend?

We asked our research team here at Funny or Die to produce a model of the Sheen presidency, placing him in various situations against a variety of political opponents and evaluating his overall effectiveness.  Mr. Sheen’s responses were compiled from direct quotations, and we think the results speak for themselves.  The following is a simulated transcript of a summit meeting between President Sheen and Hu Jintao, Paramount Leader of the People’s Republic of China, regarding a massive buildup of U.S. Armed Forces near the poppy fields of the Xinjiang Province:

Hu Jintao:  You invited us here to discuss the sudden increase of U.S. military forces in Northeastern Afghanistan.  Why have you deployed these assets near our border?
President Sheen:  I’m a peaceful man with bad intentions.
Hu Jintao:  What do you mean by this?  What is the purpose of this interview?
President Sheen:  Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?
Hu Jintao: Is that some sort of threat, President Sheen?
President Sheen:  Mistook this rock star, Bro.
Hu Jintao:  I don’t listen to popular music, and I am not your brother, Mr. President.  What I want is a clear statement that you have no intention of attacking China.
President Sheen:  Everybody has a black belt and carries a gun.  I don’t mess with people.
Hu Jintao:  Very good, Mr. President.  But if you do not plan to ‘mess’ with anyone, why did you deploy troops near our border?
President Sheen:  There’s a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.
Hu Jintao:  Are you saying that there is a new warlord in the area?  Does he plan to strike against the People’s Republic?
President Sheen:  Your perimeter’s been breached.  You got work to do, Bro.
Hu Jintao:  Again, Mr. President, I am not your brother, but you seem to be implying that Afghani operatives have infiltrated my country.  Is that correct?
President Sheen:  I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering.
Hu Jintao:  I assure you, Mr. President, my country and I will listen closely if you have any intelligence regarding a threat to our security.
President Sheen:  It’s a war.  And it’s on.
Hu Jintao:  So enemy agents are already in place?  What do you recommend?
President Sheen:  Just sit back and enjoy the show.
Hu Jintao:  That is why your troops are present?  You have prepared a counter operation?  What do you stand to gain by helping China?
President Sheen:  Who wants to deal with all the small-talk?
Hu Jintao:  I must know your motives before authorizing any intervention.  Surely, you have some reason for this.
President Sheen:  Add some gold.
Hu Jintao:  What are you saying?  You want… some sort of fiscal reimbursement?
President Sheen:  Read behind the hieroglyphics, man.  Put on your cytology cap.
Hu Jintao:  Well, your country is deeply in debt to mine.  I suppose we could arrange to forgive some portion of that.
President Sheen:  Teamwork.  Bang.
Hu Jintao:  Are you positive you can neutralize the threat?
President Sheen:  My success rate is 100 percent.  Do the math.
Hu Jintao:  As long as you are certain…
President Sheen:  I am battle-tested bayonets, Bro.
Hu Jintao:  Very well then.  I authorize your men to intercede on China’s behalf, and in return we shall conveniently “forget” a portion of your country’s debt.
President Sheen:  Winning.