1. BAN VAGINAS
Official Platform Language: "Republicans for a Vagina-Free Society! The Republican Party is blatantly against the use or possession of a vagina. Simply put, we don't understand what's going on down there. Like at all. Vaginas illicit from us the same feeling you get when you have to fill out insurance forms. Or when you watch Donnie Darko. What the hell is happening?! What is a tangent universe?! Where did the jet engine come from? And why did they cast Patrick Swayze as a child molester?!
2. NO ONE UNDER 40 ALLOWED IN THE GOP
Official Platform Language: "The Republican Party acknowledges that its policies completely turn off anyone that was born after 1972 - a time when Ali McGraw was the biggest star in America. Seriously, if you don’t remember that Ali McGraw was at one point considered the most influential woman in the country, ahead of Jackie Kennedy and Barbara Walters, then you are not allowed into this thing. We’re not even gonna try with you anymore. In fact, when you come knocking on our door the first question will be, “Who is Ali McGraw?” The second will be, “And where the hell is Bo Derek?"
3. GAY MARRIAGE? WE DON’T THINK SO.
Official Platform Language: "The Republican Party only acknowledges marriage between a man and a woman. But we do understand that it’s possible to get your dick stuck in a lot of different things. So, the Republican party believes in open marriage as long as no one ever knows about it. While we detest homosexuality and believe it leads to a life of destruction and sin, we are all for a progressive penis. As long as it leans to the right."
4. ENFORCE P90X*
Official Platform Language: "Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan is a walking contradiction. Yes, his eyes are sad like a deer eating out of a dumpster. But his body is slammin'! Those glutes! Those biceps! Those calves that say, 'This is a man's body! A terrified, buff man's body!' And isn't that what every man in the Republican Party aspires to be?
*Note: If you can't afford P90X, the party encourages you to do push-ups so you can throw your grandmother out the window since she won’t be able to afford Medicare anyway.
5. DOLPHINS ARE PRETTY AMAZING
6. WE’RE GOING BACK TO DIAL-UP.
Official Party Language: “With all these new-fangled high-speed internet show-off things like Twitter and Roadrunners, we are finding it extremely difficult to retract the dumb things our politicians are saying in a timely matter. Therefore, all internet speed will be slow so that it allows us time to remove these terrible statements and pretend they didn’t actually happen. On another note, we should also go back to VHS because it's easier to understand.”
7. PBS WILL BE REPLACED WITH A CHANNEL THAT ONLY SHOWS COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS
Added 9 months ago
746 funny votes
384 die votes
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
- Yep. Scary how spot on this "parody" is.
- This is not that far off from the truth.
- Man, were those dolphins awesome
- Anyone know much about or look up Ali MacGraw? This joke is a true hidden jem. According to her wikipedia page, she had an abortion when she was young. When it was still illegal. Good one, funnyordie. :)
- One of the STUPIDEST things I have ever read. I feel like I have to take a shower so I can wash the DUMB off.
- Sick of hearing political bashing ALL DEY ERE DEY, I hate election years.
- bah ha ha!
- this is the dumbest thing i've ever read. how about doing a real one about the dnc and how they like to piss other peoples money at whatever problem comes their way. funny or die? whoever wrote this pile of shit should be dead
- IF you are going to talk about Ali MacGraw at least mention she was a Liberal in the hippie generation.
- oh what a bunch of partisan intolerant idiots the left has become...so sad, so childish...you guys will have a lot of bashing to do come November 7th.....lol
- All American Dolphins will get deep see drilling jobs.
- This thing is stupid. Die.
- Who leaked the Republican platform? He or she should self deport.
- It seems to be the mantra of the Democrat campaign doesn't.... It was the same in 2008... Point at them, laugh at them, call them square, call them old... Then vote for the younger, cooler, candidate..... Well... Look what that got you.... Welcome to the movie Idiocracy, and you are alll in the cast !!