Social interaction is overrated. Most people are incredibly lame. Fact.
If you're like me, you loathe having to partake in human contact and constantly wish out loud that there was an easy guide out there on effective ways to become a misanthropic social outcast. Also, if you're like me, you probably should get that sack rash checked out. It's starting to weep a little.
Well, here's that guide you've been praying for: How to avoid human contact by adding one simple element.
It used to be that in order to look like a freak, you only had to get a prominent tattoo or piercing or loudly make rape jokes in a public setting.
But in today's liberal society, these things no longer cut it. If you want to change society's perception of you from Mr. Nicey McNiceface to Sir Douchealot, you can now do so by applying one of these simple additions to your fashion repertoire. You'll be free to spend your days feeding your amputee porn addiction and society won't have to tolerate your musky scent. It's win/win for all involved.
Wear a Cape
Unless you're Batman, you should never wear a cape. Ever. Which is the perfect reason to wear a cape. Parading around in public looking like an extra from 'Phantom of the opera' makes your freakazoid meter rating rise exponentially.
Extra points for twirling your cape and standing above sewer grates, letting it billow around you in the updraft of steam.
Walking around with it draped over your arm and held up to cover your face like Bela Lugosi will make you the living embodiment of the offspring of what would happen if Bruce Campbell had a womb surgically implanted and bore the child of Kurt Russell: Pure awesome sauce.
Grow a Hitler Moustache
Okay, so old Adolf fucked this anus tickler up for everyone right about when he embarked on his world tour of 1939. You can claim that you've grown your snot mop as a tribute to Charlie Chaplin, but everyone knows the truth.
If you wear Kaiser helmets whilst gardening, enjoy the films of Walt Disney and have a rape dungeon in your basement, then this is the cookie duster for you. Bonus points for bravery if you wear this into a synagogue, holding hands with a Hasidic Jew.
Grow a Lincoln Beard
If you want to look like an Islamic fundamentalist or registered sex offender, then THIS is the beard for you. This beard will keep your face warm without overheating your philtrum, a major problem most men have with regular beards.
Growing a beard like this automatically entitles you the ability to declare Jihad, with no need to partake in that messy martyrdom hooplah. I grew one just so I could declare a jihad on jihads. Put that ironic jihad in your hookah and smoke it!
Wear a Bicycle Helmet
Do you lick your fingers whilst eating with your hands? Of course you do, it's normal. However, licking your fingers on a train for no discernable reason is somehow frowned upon as being creepy. It's all about context.
The same applies to fashion accessories. Wear a helmet without having a bicycle anywhere near you and people will avoid you as if you were Tony Danza's career. .
Wear The Man Scarf
It is literally impossible to appear intimidating whilst wearing one of these. Seriously, Dolph Lundgren could wear a scarf whilst Judo chopping the plums of laser spitting lions with robotic thumbs that allow them to carry machine guns that fire miniature laser lions and he would still look like giant, steaming piles of wuss.
Wear one of these on the subway and prepare to be knife-raped. And not in a Nice way either.
Wear a Fur coat/ Sleeveless Vest
Unless you're P.Diddy, which, let's face it, you're not, otherwise you'd be too busy Diddying all day instead of reading this article, you CAN'T pull off the 'dude in a fur coat' look. At best, you'll look like a man getting willingly sodomised by a headless bear.
Even worse is the sleeveless furry vest. What purpose does this item of clothing have? For times when your torso is cold but your arms are totally overheating? Who invented this abomination? Is it solely so one can identify assholes from a distance?
Wear anything ever worn by Prince/ Symbol/ Prince 2 - Electric Boogaloo
- this had potential, but it failed miserably.
- Hey now! I have a Lincoln beard...but I call it an Irish hooligan beard.
- More like act like Prince if you want every vagina screaming for you; that guy was a poon pwning machine.
- I don't know about you guys, but I love wearing a cape. And I'm actually quite a hit at social events.
- This was meh..........
- Too funny lol loved it
- It was just ok...Except the part about having a beard to look like an Islamic Fundamentalist or a Registered Sex Offender..that was funny.
- the Hitler mustache doesn't work...those Hanes fanatics wont leave Michael Jordan alone
- CRACKED did this long ago and as always it was a lot funnier. SOrry their writers are just better
- thats funny right there it dont matter who you know it is
- Talk about try too hard.
- i want the yellow outfit for every day wear
- Amish Beards are in for the AARP set around here. I would but NO ONE TOUCHES MY 'STACHE!
- LOL nice!