Madonna is performing during halftime of Super Bowl XLVI? Goddamn, just when I thought last year's Black Eyed Peas show was the worst ever. Fuck. How many NFL fans are actually excited for this? Two? Here are some reDONKulous halftime acts we would MUCH rather see.

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December 15, 2011

10. Louis CK


Yeah, he's offensive as shit and isn't known for playing stadiums. Yeah, he complains and smells wierd. Here's the thing though - he's HILARIOUS. I guarantee if you throw his ass on a stage at the 50 yard line during halftime the audience would enjoy themselves. At least way more than watching the 50something 'Material Girl' flex her creepy-ass, veiny arms while singing songs nobody has liked since 1987.

9. Insane Clown Posse


Could you imagine these crazy fuckers doing the SB halftime show? Up tight parents across the nation would shit their pants. Juggalos across the nation would be popping one in their shorts. Maybe they could do a face paint jam-off against KISS? Then Gene Simmons could tongue blast a select few female audience volunteers? No tongue blasting? Ok. We'll stick with ICP throwin it DOWN. At least with them America wouldn't run the risk of seeing Madonna's pancake titty during a wardrobe malfunction.

8. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince


Three reasons why these guys would murder Super Bowl XLVI's halftime show. 1. Will Smith has never rapped a curse word in his life, yet he still has some of the best hip hop anthemz of the 90s (Big Willy Style anyone??) 2. I Guarentee you DJ Jazzy Jeff's schedule is TOTALLY free 3. You know Will Smif is just itchin to get back in the Hip Hop game. I mean 7 Pounds was good n all, but c'mon Will, go back to your roots bruh.

7. Disney Princess Wishes On Ice


Can you say boner city? With this half time show, everyone is happy. Take for instance, a family of four. Dad gets to chub it out while watching hot Disney princesses prance around on ice. Mom is happy because it's not the Insane Clown Posse. Lil' Stevie, who is also partially chubbed, is so pumped about being AT the Super Bowl he doesn't give a shit who's performing at halftime, and Lil' Susie is in freakin heaven. 

6. Wrestlemania 17 Re-Match


Seriously, what NFL fan wouldn't want to see Steve Austin face off against The Rock in a cage match during halftime of the Super Bowl?? Alright, the gays probably wouldn't. But on second thought, all that sweat and muscle slappin together in rhythm, shit the gays would probably be down too! I mean The Rock is all Hollywood these days, but I bet you once somebody's able to peel him away from his most recent shitty movie project he couldn't resist the opportunity to fight the rattlesnake one more time.

5. Seal


Here's how I see this one going down. Seal is in the background belting out Kiss From A Rose over and over while Heidi Klum does interpretive dances in that million dollar diamond studded bra she used to rock. Then, a bunch of actual seals pop up on stage and balance basketballs on their noses or whatever it is that seals do at the zoo. Now THAT'S top notch entertainment.

4. Monster Jam


Number 4 is pretty simple - get Grave Digger in there, have him jump some RVs, smash up some cars, eat a couple babies. Then, for the ladies in the audience, you pop Justin Bieber out there - have him sing a song or two while Grave Digger is poppin wheelies. That way, the ladies get all moist seeing J Biebs sing, while all the fellas get amped up for the second half monster truck-style. 

3. Kobayashi


Most delicious halftime show ever? Yup. Call up Kobayashi and friends, get them to sign a bunch of release forms and have them go head to head in an eating contest of the signature dish of the cities represented in the Super Bowl (last years could be Brats/Kraut vs. whatever pansies from Pittsburgh eat). Then, the winner gets to sing a 'World's Greatest' duet with R. Kelly.

2. The Macarena


Lets get these dudes back in the spotlight. Pop 'em on stage during halftime of SB XLVI and have everyone do the Macarena for 20 minutes. I Guarentee you its less annoying than Madonna. Oh, you know what would sweeten this deal? Make all the NFL coaches (not in the Super Bowl) get up on stage and do the Macarena. Worst dancer prediction: Andy Reid (because everyone knows Walruses can't dance). Best dancer prediction: Raheem Morris (obviously because he's black). I don't know. Gotta admit, that'd be entertaining...

1. Rick Derringer, Neil Diamond, Bruce Springsteen & Toby Keith


I don't know about ya'll but I think we should get some AMERICAN PRIDE up in the Super Bowl halftime show again. Find these 4 ma-effin patriots and get them to sing a collection of the greatest American anthems of all time. Who doesn't want to hear 'I am A Real American', 'America', 'Born in The USA' and 'Courtesy of The Red, White & Blue'?? Besides terrorists, nobody, that's who. Add to that a shitload of bald eagles flying around and you've got the greatest Super Bowl halftime show EVER.