Tell me again, how many miles did you run today? Ah yes, that is fascinating how it was a faster time than you did yesterday and you've never felt better. I get it, you're a much better person than me and in far better shape. Now could you do me a favor and shut the fuck up?
People on a Cleanse
Oh boy go on about how hungry you are, but how good you feel and that it's totally worth it because of toxins. Awesome, could you be more specific about which toxins you're referring to, and if you knew that they were even something that existed more than a week ago? Great. Also, please shut your pie hole, which is not being used for delicious pie,* but instead is being filled with pepper water.
*If you do choose to eat pie, you may talk about it forever and forever.
People Who Listen To Horoscopes
Leo: This month you will shut the fuck up.
People Who Brag About A Good Athlete as a Kid
Oh you made the all star game in little league? We all made the all star game in little league. It does not excuse your current lack of body control as an adult if we all did it. "I'm not good at basketball these days, but let me tell you, I once was a child who competed against other children before any of us grew into our adult bodies." That is essentially what you've said. And also who invited you to play basketball and please shut the fuck up?
Relentless Fans of "The Wire"
Let me be clear, this is in NO WAY referring to fans of the show talking to other fans about how great it is. That's fine. It is strictly referring to those who freak out when they find out someone has not watched their precious television show. Listen, we know it's good. It's constantly ranked as the best thing ever created, something we hear every day. So why don't you also tell me about the new band you're getting into: The Beatles. What about that sitcom you like? Seinfeld, I believe it's called. Also what's the deal with you shutting the fuck up?
You know that moment when you start talking and you realize that everything you're saying is being met with blank stares, polite nods, and dead eyes? That is every reaction to every dream every person has ever had. If you had a dream about shutting the fuck up, perhaps I would be interested.