Over the past couple weeks The Avengers made all the money. So, although we’re going to have to wait a bit while they print more money for it to make, an Avengers sequel was pretty much a certainty. Now that it's official, take an exclusive peak at some of the new heroes set to join Nick Fury’s team.

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May 17, 2012


Who he is: After being bitten by a radioactive subwoofer, young Sonny Moore found himself transformed into Skrillex, who travels the globe using his newfound powers to battle evil and lame-wad parents.

Powers include: Dropping the bass; Rollin' balls, bro; inspiring irrational outrage amongst hipsters; making Steve really mad when I don’t turn my speakers down but, whatever, he’s not my real dad anyway.

Pepsi Max™

Who he is: While other Avengers battle evildoers, Pepsi Max (TM) battles thirst. Developed to be the most delicious, refreshing diet cola product known to man by PepsiCo (R) scientists smart enough to be employed by Stark Industries, Pepsi Max (TM) has enough smooth, cola taste to satisfy even Thor, the god of thunder, himself.

Powers include: Maximum taste; zero calories; adult-onset diabetes.

Red Hulk

Who he is: The Hulk, but red. Red Hulk is 1) an actual Marvel character and 2) why no one should read comic books. Apparently Stan Lee started playing Mortal Kombat, realized Sub-Zero, Scorpion, and Reptile are all the same dude, and got inspired. If you go to any number of comic book message boards, you can find actual arguments made by actual people over whether green Hulk or Red Hulk would win in a fight. Please do not do this.

Powers include: The stuff The Hulk does, but red; convincing comic book fans that this is an acceptable storyline/character.

Franklin & Bash

Who they are: Super cool dudes Jared Franklin and Peter Bash are two wisecracking attorneys who love to party and win cases. Official cannonical lore has them rumored to associate with Rizzoli & Isles. Oddly, despite reputations as ladies men, not rumored to associate romantically with Rizzoli & Isles.

Powers include: Invisibility: somehow not only exist, but have been renewed for a second season despite the fact that no one has actually seen them, ever. Also, they know drama, I guess.


Not really. Calm down, nerds.