Different methods of killing someone with a bow and arrow.

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April 19, 2012

The Sexy Distraction

This is the kind of kill that happens when you know you're being chased, you know you are in danger, you turn around and see a sexy woman pointing an arrow at your heart and yet it takes you a good 5-10 seconds to realize she's holding anything. This is the best way to die of arrow related natural causes. At least you get to see Jessica Biel (or the like) before parting ways with your life. 

In any screen play it should just read; "wow, you are just adorable, look at your body!! How long did it take you to get into that kind of shape?? [beat] Oh fuck...you just put an arrow through me." 

If you are very attractive the bow and arrow could be a great weapon for you. According to a recent Republican straw poll the attractiveness of a murderer is very important in terms of getting national media attention. In fact, most female new anchors prefer using the bow and arrow to any other means of murder. Oddly, most male news anchors prefer using the US military. 

Sexiness has always been a great distraction and that distraction can go a long way in giving you the needed time to actually load and aim an arrow, kill rate: 9/10. Boner Rate : 99/100, sometimes fear can hurt your chances of becoming erect, which will really bum you out if you're ever involved in a slow plane crash.


The Gangsta Lean

Just because the bow and arrow predates recorded history doesn't mean one cannot throw a little  gangsta rap sytle into the mix. In contrast to the Sexy Distraction this is the worst way to die. You spin, see a person leaning their bow to the side like some sort of gangster with a handgun and yet the form is still adequate enough to release an arrow with a high kill rate. 

It's embarrassing for all parties. Other arrow users look down on the Gangsta Lean as too modern, stating that it shows little respect for the history of this, otherwise awesome, murder method. It is akin to showing up to a biker rally on a vespa; while technically it may count, you look like a modernist with no respect for the culture. Yes, you may respect the hipster culture (in the case of the vespa) or the Gangsta culture, but not the culture that you are supposed to be celebrating. 

Although this method is a slap to the face of all things great about bow and arrows, it can get the job done. Just as with hand guns though, the Gangsta Lean does hurt a persons aim, so the kill rate drops to 6/10. Of course, Orlando Bloom (pictured) employs both the Gangsta Lean and the Sexy Distraction so his kill rate is 9/10, his boner rate is 98/100 as most men are initially fooled by his long blond hair, this is known as the "We All Had a Crush on Taylor Hanson at One Point," gambit. 

The Costner

There are a few different ways you can do this, and while a Costner-esque thinning quiff hairdo isn't required it is recommended.

Firstly, as pictured, light the arrow on fire. Now, this is not suggested because anyone who has thrown a match knows, wind can put out a small fire. If your arrow does stay lit the human body will put out the fire by smothering it. It also alerts your prey, if fighting at night, that there is an arrow headed towards them. On a scale of awesomeness though, this method is off the charts. It combines death, fire, and Bryan Adams songs, it's sure to win the hearts of those watching although the end result is will have mixed reviews. However, it will probably be good enough to kill someone, which makes it good enough. Kill rate: 4/5 - the fire did not help though, infact, te fire hurts because in odd cases it cauterizes the wound instantly. 

Ripping off a feather to aim the arrow in a different direction is flat out stupid. This will not cause the arrow to bend off at the last moment. Instead it will make the arrow completely unaimable. It's dumb, Cosnter or not, it just won't work. Kill Rate: 1/1,047 and the 1comes from if you accidentally somehow manage to kill yourself. 

The Lazy Shot

Why bother? You are the one who decided to use a bow and arrow, it takes effort, you should have known that going in. If you're really lazy use a flame thrower, that takes very little aim and zero time to load. The lazy shot is when you just free wheel it, aim it anywhere and hope for the best. The problem is you're not going to hit anything unless you are standing right next to someone, in that case you might as well just employ a throat stab method with the arrow because the chances of you actually having time to load an arrow is unlikely at best. 

The only time being lazy works for anything is unemployment (also according to a recent Republican straw poll.) Kill rate 1/10,000 on your enemy. Of course, if you are just hoping to hit something, or a nonspecific person in a crowd your kill rate will improve to 1/5. 

The Clueless Marksman

I've never shot a bow and arrow before but that being said, I'm nearly positive that you need to guide the arrow. You cannot simply rest it on the outside of your hand with no guidance at all. The best case scenario for this shot is that it will trail off but still travel about 10-15 yards. It will go nowhere near your target and you'll probably get a feather cut, which hurts 7 times more than a paper cut and that could kill you!!

Calvin Coolidge's son died because he didn't wear socks when playing tennis, he got blisters on his feet, they became infected and he died. Bow and arrow fighting takes place in the woods 99% of the time. The woods are the one place in the world that doesn't have a CVS, thus no way to fight infections. When asked how to fight an infection in the woods Bear Grylls was too busy drinking his own pee to answer.

If you're going to take the risk of showing up to battle with a bow and arrow do yourself the favor of having a fucking clue how to use it. Death rate of The Clueless Marksman 1/7,000,000. Risk of infection: 1/2.