Ever since Tommy Lee honked his boat's horn with his dong, celebrity sextapes have been big business. They can reignite a stalled career, and in some cases, actually create one, for example: Giraffe faced Paris Hilton and cumsponge Kim Kardashian. Thanks for that, porn. Thanks a bunch.
Some celebrities actually go into the porn industry in an attempt to revive their flagging careers, such as Jaimee Foxworth, or Crave, from 'Family matters' and Stephen Geoffreys from 'Fright night', who made a career out of being teabagged on film. For realsies.
But it is the private exploits of celebrities that intrigue us the most. Thanks to the release of their sextapes, we can now see Tom Sizemore whinge loudly about his flaccid phallus and killing cops, Gene Simmons in a T-Shirt awkwardly pounding an unresponsive blonde while Foreigner's 'I want to know what love is' plays in the background and the precise moment Tommy Lee gave Pamela Hep-C, all caught on film for posterity.
But, some celebrity sextapes should never have seen the light of day. Some are, well, just plain gross. These horrors of homemade rumpy pumpy are comparable to what is queefed out of a five dollar hooker's muff at the end of a busy night.
You may notice that four out of six of the films mentioned here star (and I use the term lightly) male protagonists. This is due to the fact that if a celebrity with a vagina releases a sextape, it's instantly watchable. Rosie O'Donnell could release a tape and someone, somewhere would polish the bishop to it. On the other hand, no-one wants to see a dude's dingus, even if he is famous. Those penis thingies are just plain ugly.
So, take my hand and come with me on a journey through time and space to the magical world of... THE WORST CELEBRITY SEX TAPES EVER!!!
1. Kid Rock and Scott Stapp (Creed)
Creed were fartwanks. Their inane music, infused with Christian values, were the auditory equivalent of forced sodomy. Kid Rock released "Bawtidaba". Fuck them both.
Whoever thought we'd want to see this unlikely odd couple getting hummers from some trailer trash groupies needs to be drawn and quartered. Oh, it was Red Light District? We have a lot to thank them for... As you'll see.
Scott Stapp was a smug knobcheese who managed to pull off the Herculean task of looking like a douchenozzle even whilst getting a blowjob, while Kid Rock just looks like he'd be sticky to the touch.
With 'Legs wide open' indeed.
Thankfully, the release of this tape abolished Creed's reputation as a nice, Christian rock band for the kids, and their nosedive into obscurity was well deserved. Kid Rock, however, still won't fuck off.
In an ironic twist, Kid Rock later contracted Tommy Lee's Hep-C from Pamela lee. And thus, the circle of sextapes closes.
2. Tonya Harding
After her fall from grace in the Ice Skating world, Tonya Harding decided to try and curry favour with the public by releasing this tape, the unsexiest shenanigans ever caught on celluloid. She succeeded in only making our dicks hate us.
This is honestly one of the most bloodcurdling things ever caught on film, and that includes 'Blossom'.
"I dare you to stick your dick in this!"
Initially marketed as the consummation of their love on their wedding night, it turned out that this kneecapping happy couple's sexploits were actually filmed on Halloween, and Tonya was merely wearing the creepiest Halloween outfit ever. Want to see a shitfaced fake bride fornicating like a feral cat? You came to the right place.
She's quite drunk in the film, like puke all over your balls drunk, and once the dress comes off, we're confronted with the saggiest pair of teats this side of a retirement home. Her white trash hair is whipped back and forth in a way that would make Willow Smith jealous.
And what is Tonya Harding doing now? Looking like John candy, boxing or wrestling or whatever the fuck she's doing in that picture and sucking cock for a nickel behind dumpsters filled with dead cats. Whatever crops up first.
3. Fred Durst
Insightful songs such as 'Nookie' and eloquent lyrical poetry like 'Swinging from my nuts is a fucked up game!' could be heard pumping from the speakers at every frat house across the country.
But the fickle tastes of the public soon turned towards Miley Ray Cyrus and The Biebs, and Fred Durst soon found himself on the outside, looking in, which also coincidentally happens to be the chorus from that terrible song he sung with 'Staind'.
Fred released this sextape in an attempt to drum up some publicity (Come on Fred, we all know it was you!) hoping for some column inches, but unfortunately for him, commentary about the tape centred solely upon HIS inches, the embarrassing dimensions of his tallywhacker in the areas of girth and length.
It was speculated that the entire genre of 'Nu-Metal' was merely angsty macho posturing in overcompensation for inverted genitalia, and Fred Durst confirmed this with his sextape. I mean, seriously, it looks like a button mushroom.
I genuinely feel sorry for the girl in this film. I mean, she graduated from slutschool only to wind up as a jizzrag for Fred durst? Tragic.
4. Dustin Diamond (Screech)
Spare a thought for poor Dustin Diamond. Forever typecast and destined to be associated with the character of Samuel 'Screech' Powers, is there any wonder that the guy has a chip on his shoulder? Not just a chip but the whole potato. Zack and Slater got all the babes while Dustin... Well, Dustin had Mr. Belding to keep him company. Yeah.
In his book that absolutely nobody read, Screech claims to have slept with over 2000 women, many of which he picked up at the pussy palace known as... Wait for it... Disneyland! Yep, they call it the most magical place on earth for a reason, ya know. The Rohypnol. That's why.
To view this film is to suspend belief so that you can buy into the premise of Screech being so goddamned desirable that he could entice a newlywed and her bridesmaid back to his hotel room to slap some skins. You are also expected to believe that someone would actually willingly fuck screech. And I thought buying into 'Avatar' was hard.
This film is a rarity in that it was actually personally released by Screech rather than stolen. This fact also makes it ten times more depressingly pathetic, as he openly admits that he did it to try and retain his tenuous grip on fame.
Infamously, Screech performs one of the vilest sex acts known to man in this tape: The Dirty Sanchez. When capitalising upon this by marketing to the Bayside High faithful, Red Light District included a scratch-and-sniff card with Screech's musky scent. Well, they should have, anyway. You're welcome, Red Light District's marketing team.
And where is Screech now? Begging for money. No seriously, he is literally begging people for money.
We all know that Chyna looks like a dude; kind of like a genetically altered reverse Ru-Paul. So who in their right mind would think that we'd want to see her shagging gay bikeresque fellow wrestler X-Pac? Oh, thanks again, Red Light District, you purveyor of quality porn, you.
As a rule, no porno should feature a chick with bigger muscles than the male star, and the female star definitely shouldn't have a bigger 'package'.
Do you hear that? That's the sound of your dick screaming.
"I IZ TEH SEX!!!"
Another intentionally leaked tape, Chyna and X-Pac's video looks like... Well, in all honesty, it looks like an actual wrestling match. Chyna's pimply bouncing buttocks, abnormally large clitoris (Seriously, it put Fred Durst's dick to shame.) and X-Pac swinging his heavy metal hair and swinging it fast all add up to make a visual muffinload of dogwank that nobody wanted to watch. Ever.
When Chyna and X-Pac start rubbing their dicks together like a boy-scout starting a fire, I honestly threw up in my mouth a little. After sixty steaming hot showers, a year of intense therapy and self induced pouring of corrosive acid into my own eyes, to this day I still feel soiled.
6. verne Troyer (Mini-Me)
Not once during the 'Austin Powers' series did I ever think to myself, "I wonder what Mini- Me would look like naked and banging a regular sized woman." Not once. Well, maybe once.
He's the second last person next to Snooki I'd want to see naked, and he himself has no delusions, trying to get this tape blocked because of the sheer wrongness of it all. I'd rather watch that clip of that dude fucking someone's ear.
But, he failed and it was released and now we have to contend with seeing his midget willy wangsteiner (Which, while incredibly small, much smaller than Chyna's Clitzilla, still puts Fred Durst to shame) bump ineptly against some woman's pubic mound.
After watching Mini-Me pound away ambivalently, it all looking incredibly close to a deleted scene from 'The curious case of Benjamin Button', my dick still doesn't work to this day.
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