Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
A Housewife's recordings.
Published August 05, 2010 More Info »
195 Funny Votes
59 Die Votes
11,301 Views
Published August 05, 2010

Bible Wielding Boy and Girl At My Door

ME: So are you guys still waiting around for Jesus to come back or what?

GIRL: Of course. 

ME: Do you think he will be old gross Jesus, or still the young hot one who can make wine from water?

GIRL: Um…

BOY:…. He’ll be the hot one.

70 y/o Woman and Her Husband Outside a Liquor Store

A 70 year old woman in a long fur coat and large sunglasses stands at the door of a liquor store. Her hair is short, curled to her head and dyed brown. She looks like an older version of a 70’s Elizabeth Taylor. She is holding a half dozen re-usable cloth shopping bags. At her side is her husband. He is wearing a driver’s cap and baby blue polyester pants. He looks a lot like Abe Vigoda.

I'm parked beside them, getting the kids out of the car.

She pulls on the door of the liquor store. It’s locked.

WOMAN: Good Golly! What’s going on here??

MAN: It’s closed.

WOMAN: It’s closed? IS THIS PLACE CLOSED??

ME: It looks like it, the sign isn't on.

WOMAN: (reads a sign in the window, loudly) NEW HOURS. OPEN AT ELEVEN. 

(beat)

WOMAN: WELL…. HO-LEEEEE SHIT BOB!

MAN: Yes?

WOMAN: Looks like we’re drinking water.

In A Cab

The cab driver has a sunbleached photo of Monica Lewinsky taped to his dashboard.

He is chanting, Muslim chant style...

DRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY....

5 minutes later

DRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY

ME: Excuse me, are you chanting Monica Lewinsky?

DRIVER:  This side (makes breast shape in front of his torso) THIS SIDE VERY GOOD! Monica Lewinsky many milk. 

ME: Go on then. It's okay.

DRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY

Henry (6) and Sal (9) Talk About Sex

SAL: Next year I get to take sex education. 4th grade!

ME: Can't wait.

HENRY: What's sex education?

SAL: Sex?! I'm not telling you. Mom, don't tell him.

ME: I'm not telling him in the car.

HENRY: Sex? Sexy? Grandad already told me that sexy is when you are 'lookin' good'

SAL: No, SEX. It's when you make a baby.

HENRY: Yeah yeah yeah... I knew that.

SAL: Oh really? Then tell me, how do you make the baby?

HENRY: You make the baby by sexing it. DUH. 

About The Author

Do you like what you just read? Consider following @kellyoxford on Twitter and following her on Tumblr as well.
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More