Bible Wielding Boy and Girl At My Door
ME: So are you guys still waiting around for Jesus to come back or what?GIRL: Of course. ME: Do you think he will be old gross Jesus, or still the young hot one who can make wine from water?GIRL: Umâ¦BOY:â¦. Heâll be the hot one.
70 y/o Woman and Her Husband Outside a Liquor Store
A 70 year old woman in a long fur coat and large sunglasses stands at the door of a liquor store. Her hair is short, curled to her head and dyed brown. She looks like an older version of a 70âs Elizabeth Taylor. She is holding a half dozen re-usable cloth shopping bags. At her side is her husband. He is wearing a driverâs cap and baby blue polyester pants. He looks a lot like Abe Vigoda.I'm parked beside them, getting the kids out of the car.She pulls on the door of the liquor store. Itâs locked.WOMAN: Good Golly! Whatâs going on here??MAN: Itâs closed.WOMAN: Itâs closed? IS THIS PLACE CLOSED??ME: It looks like it, the sign isn't on.WOMAN: (reads a sign in the window, loudly) NEW HOURS. OPEN AT ELEVEN. (beat)WOMAN: WELLâ¦. HO-LEEEEE SHIT BOB!MAN: Yes?WOMAN: Looks like weâre drinking water.
In A Cab
The cab driver has a sunbleached photo of Monica Lewinsky taped to his dashboard.He is chanting, Muslim chant style...DRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY....5 minutes laterDRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYME: Excuse me, are you chanting Monica Lewinsky?DRIVER: This side (makes breast shape in front of his torso) THIS SIDE VERY GOOD! Monica Lewinsky many milk. ME: Go on then. It's okay.DRIVER: MOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKYMOOOOOOONNNICALEWWWWWWWWINSKY
Henry (6) and Sal (9) Talk About Sex
SAL: Next year I get to take sex education. 4th grade!ME: Can't wait.HENRY: What's sex education?SAL: Sex?! I'm not telling you. Mom, don't tell him.ME: I'm not telling him in the car.HENRY: Sex? Sexy? Grandad already told me that sexy is when you are 'lookin' good'SAL: No, SEX. It's when you make a baby.HENRY: Yeah yeah yeah... I knew that.SAL: Oh really? Then tell me, how do you make the baby?HENRY: You make the baby by sexing it. DUH.
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