A brief, yet exhaustive examination into why Chewbacca is better than you.

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April 12, 2011

#1 His nickname is "Chewie." That name makes me think of brownies. Your name does not. 

#2 He never has tan lines. Ever. Your tan lines disgust me.

#3 His voice is a mixture of a walrus, lion, camel, bear, rabbit, tiger and badger. This means... you guessed it; he has tiger blood in him.  Which means he is winning. You lose. 

#4 He was Hans Solo's first mate & BFF, and companion. No homo. (OK so maybe they have a little bromance going on) 

#5 He has retractable claws, suddenly those ghetto nails look a hot mess huh? Hood Rat Stuff. 

#6 He is half dog & half man. He will keep you company and he can clean up his own poop.

#7 If you date him, chances are you never have to shave your legs. 

#8 He is a Wookiee. Wookiee comes from the Greek word, ἱστορία, meaning "that which is better than you." It's a real thing. Look it up.

#9 If I go to dinner at Chewie's house, I expect one or two hairs in my food. When I come to your house, there better not be a single hair in my food. 

#10 I am certain that Chewie and Princess Leia hooked up, thus spawning the coolest teen on the plant. None other then Mr. Teen Wolf himself, Michael J. Fox.