In the mood to BONE? Confused as to what foods will help you seal the deal? There are items that are tried and true aphrodisiacs (caviar, champagne, chocolate, other words that start with a "C"). And then there are those which sound like they should evoke sexy times but, in the end, are total turnoffs. THESE are those foods.

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September 19, 2011


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You have a fire. A pointy stick to poke your partner with (innuendo much?). And some marshmallow fun that sort of resembles whip cream but tastes EVEN better.

Major bummer? The person you're about to have sex on will suffer 3rd degree burns if enjoyed too quickly.


It's phallic, sure. And gals wear shirts proclaiming they just looove bratwurst to let the world know that they actually looove them some dick.

But how's it gonna look when that sausage you're feeding her is bigger than your... sausage?

Meat Loaf

Wait, did you actually think this should be an aphrodisiac? Why? Because it contains the words “Meat” and “Loaf” in one word, and that kind of sounds filthy?

You disgust me. Get out of here.

Leave the Meat Loaf.

Ice Cream Sundae

Sour milk. That's what both of you will smell like when you start rubbing copious amounts of dairy all over each others T&A's.

It only gets worse if one of you is lactose.



Look, believe me, I get it. Watermelons are juicy, about the size of one of Christina Hendricks boobs, and hell- you two can playfully spit the seeds onto each other.

You know what? I looked at this photo for a couple of hours, and I take it all back. Christina Hendricks eating a watermelon IS an aphrodisiac.

Chili Peppers

I know they're red and "muy caliente!" But unless you're into BDSM and really looking for some punishment, skip the flaming hot chilis. Please.

I'm crying just thinking about the rash this poor girl would have on her hoo-ha.


You really think you're going to get laid after eating an entire POT full of cheese and trumpeting all the way home?

Yes. I said "trumpeting." Because that is exactly what will happen instead of you getting some.




Ever eaten sushi? It's awkward. There's no dainty way to shove a fistful of rice and raw fish into your mouth.

Sure, everything seems totally sexy when you put that spicy tuna roll on your... spicy tuna roll. But how are you going to be able to have sex with someone after you watch a piece of raw fish get chewed up in their mouth? The mouth that you now have to make out with?

Gross. It's gross.

Spaghetti and Meatballs

He's a tramp.

And that bitch should have figured out that sharing a plate of spaghetti and meatballs is a sign that your date is cheap as shit.