"The kindle is used to start a fire. You're gonna need a lot of kindles. You know, for roasting marshmallows and burning witches."
"I don't know what Facebook is, but when I was your age, it cost a nickel... Oh right, that's the place where you declare that you're going steady with Ally McBeal. Boy, she sure is fetching."
"It's a soft drink that contains cocaine. When I drink it, I feel like my hero: Sherlock Holmes. He was smart. Spent all day solving mysteries and snorting crack with Watson."
"Tweets are sounds made by birds. Sometimes, they'll repeat themselves with retweets. If a bird has entertaining tweets, I like to follow them. It's the current trending."
"Birthers is a fan club for Birth of a Nation. What a great film. They should make silent films in 3D."
"Franz Ferdinand. He's the archduke whose assassination set off a war. The Great War. Way better than the War of 1812."
"Gay means happy. And yeah, happy people should be allowed to marry. Otherwise, their children would be born out of wedlock and choose to become homosexuals."