Just some help to get you through the summer.

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July 05, 2012


Yes, it's hot. But it's not the end of the world. Yet. Soon, yes, but we'll deal with that another day. In the meantime, don't freak out. Here are a few ways to deal with this onslaught of heat. 

Sit in Your Air Conditioning Like a Fucking Boss

Look, do not feel guilty about sitting around all day blasting your AC, running up your electric bill. This is why you have an air conditioner: to condition the air. And this air needs so much conditioning. So take off your clothes and sit in front of that AC all day. Or don't take off your clothes. Depends how cool your roommates/family members are. 

Go For a Swim

This is probably a given, but not all of us have access to water and are forced to show up at public pools where you're the only adult without a child. Totally worth it though. And if you're uncomfortable with the judging eyes of moms clutching their children (probably because they love them so much), just bring a bunch of children's toys and candy. This will imply that you, also, have a child and these moms, who may or may not be calling the police by now, can just relax.

Stalk the Ice Cream Truck

You can do this after being escorted from the public pool since you'll likely still be hot and not satisfied with the abrupt ending to your swim. But where to find this elusive ice cream truck? Your best bet is to follow the children from the pool, who'll likely know the route of the local Good Humor man. If you want to get there faster, tell the kids to get in your car and you'll drive them. If they're hesitant, simply tell them that you'll buy them ice cream upon reaching your destination and to stop asking for their mothers. It shouldn't be a problem since kids love ice cream. 

Watch 'Do The Right Thing' and Constantly Look Out Your Window To Make Sure a Garbage Can Isn't Being Thrown At You

This may just be a me thing, but when it's this hot out, I kind of assume racial tension will reach a boiling point and Spike Lee will be fucking shit up and for some reason I will be at the center of it even though I did nothing but sit inside and enjoy my air conditioner but maybe that's the source of it all? Maybe I'm the problem? Again, may just be a me thing.

Die From Heat Exhaustion

Yes, it's the easy way out. But it's a totally viable option and nobody would judge your for it. 

Not Complain About It?

Okay, okay. I know this is a radical plan, but let's just put this heatwave in its proper context in relation to our planet's evolving climate: we're all fucked. This is the hottest year ever of all time, right? I think that's a fact. And it's only going to get worse. And that's too bad, for sure, but complaining won't change a goddamn thing. Do you think people in the Holocaust were all like "Ugh, this sucks" all the time? No. And I don't think I'm taking a leap here at all in comparing one of the most catastrophic events of human history to the fact that I sweat through my shirt one time.