6 Ways Rick Perry Can Turn This Thing Around

Play to your strengths, Rick. Take a look at what you excel at: saying the wrong thing and executing people. Nobody is going to fault you for being yourself.

Here's what we know: Michele Bachmann is an insane person who we all made up with our minds. No harm no foul in calling attention to this on national television. And if there's anyone who could get away with it, it's Perry. "Oh, I was drunk." See! It's the perfect excuse. During the next debate, just start doing your whole I'm-not-familiar-with-the-English-language thing, and throw out a "well if that crazy bitch wasn't showing America her tits all day, maybe I could remember the third agency I'd cut." Nobody will question you. And sure, she has certainly not flashed America, so just play it off like it's a Texas metaphor for showing your cards/tits.

It's called making a deal with the devil, and it works every time. 

Mitt Romney's got this thing locked up. And he's doing it with a simple approach: not saying anything stupid. He's kind of like a guy who plays tennis not to lose, who calmly shouts stuff like "good rally," after you've hit the ball out of bounds while trying put him away. So why not mimic him? And, Rick, if anyone calls you on it, just say Mitt had a good answer and you agree. Better than saying "Oops" or "I own a hunting ranch. Discuss."

More of this, please: 

That's the Rick Perry we all fell in love with. 

FIGHT TO THE DEATH! WINNER GETS SECOND PLACE!