*I told my parents I had a job at Music West Rentals, when I was really playing Donkey Kong and Galaga at the video arcade.
*On a camping trip with the Andersons, Jenny was pinned against the side of the tent, and I kept dry-humping against her sleeping bag. At least she didn’t get eaten by a bear…
*I stole Wacky Packs and baseball cards and Dots and Razzles and Red Vines and Bazooka and Lemonheads from Looks Pharmacy. I told myself the owners knew and were putting it on my parents’ account, but I’m not sure they did.
*More often than not, rather than take a hit, I moved the ships on my side of the Battleship board.
*I flushed a goldfish “before its time.”
*Senior year, I drank Welch’s grape juice and Jack Daniels out of a tennis can at the Mercer Country Club with Andy Winterbauer and threw up all over Court #4.
*My older brother, Alan, stole a mannequin, dressed it up, put fake blood all over the shirt, and dragged us both to a free-way overpass where he was going to toss it onto rush hour traffic. Luckily the cops rolled up. Boy was he in trouble.
*Jason Lind and I smoked cigarette butts in his treehouse and talked badly about girls. Really badly.
*Me and Mike Schiller used to drive around with our lights out in the pitch dark. A lot.
*When my brother got kicked out of the house in high school for selling weed, I swiped his comic book collection. I still have it.
*Whenever my sister had a sleepover, I spied through the keyhole and had impure, though naïve, thoughts.
*I winged a rock as hard as I could at the Brown’s mean dog Rooter, hit him in the mouth and sent him whimpering home like a baby. This one I don’t feel bad about.