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Published February 07, 2013 More Info »

The nominated music is really old

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The window of eligibility is October 1, 2011 to September 30, 2012. Meaning that theoretically an album or song that came out a year and a half ago will walk away with the elusive 2013 prize. Will Gotye finally receive attention for their criminally underplayed and underparodied song “Somebody That I Used To Know”? Or perhaps it’ll be something by The Black Keys, nominated in seemingly every category because the Grammy voters have their radios stuck on Kiss-FM? There are other rock bands out there, people! There are probably at least seven bands. No, wait, maybe eight. GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA THE SOUND-GUTTER AND ALSO I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THE WIRE GOT SNUBBED YET AGAIN!!

This leaves no room for music that came out near the end of last year to have a fighting chance—until next year, when I don’t care again. “This is LMFAO’s year!” is not a sentence to be said in 2013. New music simply cannot win. So with that said, I'm holding out hope that this ancient relic finally gets its due:

It used to be about the (live) MUSIC, maaaaaaaaaan

Holy crap, there was a time when Michael Jackson performed a completely stripped-down version of “Man In The Mirror” largely by himself before being joined by a gospel choir and then rocking the rest of the song in falsetto while he danced around like a fucking dreidel:

Also, Madonna once joined Gorillaz—the band that is cartoons—on stage. Let me reiterate: The band is cartoons:

Remember when Eminem “got over” his homophobia?:

Memories.

Performances at the Grammys used to be special—like a limited edition Hot Wheels car available in a McDonald’s Happy Meal (brought to you by Taco Bell). Not anymore. I got a sneak preview of a Mumford & Sons dress rehearsal, and let’s just say I don’t have high hopes:

fun. is nominated for Best New Artist despite having released two studio albums and two EPs

“New” has a new definition: “not new.” fun. has been around since 2008, which is five years ago—and the number of former members is twice that number:

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Apparently the only thing “fun” about being in fun. is leaving fun.

They still call hip-hop “rap”

The nebulous-yet-racially charged phrase “rap” died once The Simpsons made fun of it (as most things do), yet the Grammys insist on keeping this outdated moniker EVEN IN OBAMA’S AMERICA. Hell, they can’t even figure out how to correctly write the names of the songs:

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Why so squeamish, Grammys?

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And speaking of white-washing away profanity, there will be no boobies, vaginas or other danglies

CBS made extra sure of that by sending this completely necessary email:

Date: February 5, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST

Subject: 55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

-kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards-

***GRAMMYS 2013***

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could  possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

Add groins to P. Diddy’s list of, “Things no longer allowed to be puffy.” And…

"See" you at the Grammys!

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