16 Top Tips for Getting a Better Nightâs Sleep
1. Temporarily take down your vivid ceiling tapestry of the seventh circle of Hell.
2. Make a soothing âMommaâs home cookingâ blanket by stringing together boiled tube pasta.
3. Douse your sheets with colognes you associate with your dullest high school teachers.
Transcribe Moby Dick in longhand, substituting every use of the word âwhaleâ with âjelloâ.
Change up your Mr. Sandman invocation rites by using exotic incense or leather sandals.
Replace hectic NASCAR-themed sheets with ones featuring restful Kevin Spacey collages.
7. Wind down before bedtime by carving small medieval towns from heads of cauliflower.
8. When your wifeâs Truman Capote mask starts giving you nightmares, have her take it off.
9. If you own a dog, remove all beef-related articles from your sleepwear before retiring.
10. Dream in serial format so youâll be eager to get to sleep and see the next installment.
11. When sleeping in public places, avoid heavily traveled intersections.
12. Avoid novelty sleepwear, such as tight fitting mummy attire or historic whaling outfits.
13. Check your bedroom weekly for potential sleep disruptors, such as moles or stranglers.
14. In the last thirty minutes before bedtime, avoid skiing.
15. During desired sleeping hours, cut back on your exercise regimen.
16. Take off your boots.