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Published March 16, 2011 More Info »
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Published March 16, 2011

1979-magic-bird.jpgHi Sport fans of Basketball! March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

HOW DOES IT WORK! 

I’ll be honest with you right now: I don’t 100% know. No one does because there are NO RULES. It wouldn’t be MAD if it had guidelines written by some softie queer at Harvard or Cal State San Dominguez, would it? Correct. It wouldn’t be.

In any case, the idea is that one team has to be the maddest, or “most mad.” Each game has a task that has to be completed to the satisfaction of the judges, while also playing a full game of basketball, if possible.

THE JUDGES

This year the judges are Michelle Obama, Werner Herzog, Dr. Mehmet “Dr. Oz” Oz, Maroon 5, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange, Baby Jessica, Tone Loc and Karl Lagerfeld.

THE MADNESS

Starting March 15, each game played has a different challenge, in addition to the usual challenge of having to play basketball at an elite level:

MARCH 15: Each player must play from within a human size hamster ball filled with hamsters and one human (them.)

MARCH 16: The game is played in full darkness, officiated by blind referees firing 12-gauge shotguns loaded with bird shot at any basketball-related noise they hear.

MARCH 17: This game is simple. Standard basketball. BUT, there are no hoops and anytime a player wishes to “score,” he must build his own hoop, net, and backboard, score his 2 “basketball points,” then burn his handiwork in a ceremonial fire, center court.

MARCH 18: For this game, the standard basketball is replaced with a vaseline basketball. It’s not really a ball, I guess; it’s more of a basketball-sized glop of Vaseline.

MARCH 19: This game is just normal basketball. With one twist - it’s baseball.

MARCH 20:
Each player must play wearing an earpiece through which they’ll be coached by motivational superhero, Tony Robbins, who will have ingested 8 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms and just been informed of his dog’s death.

MARCH 21: Every other player is replaced by a centipede. Not a mutant radioactive centipede that can eat people; just a regular little centipede. (Note: most centipedes do not know how to play basketball, so this game is extraordinarily difficult.

MARCH 22: “Theme Game:” Lord of the Rings vs. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

MARCH 23: Each player must carry his favorite celebrity chef on his shoulders for the entire game. If more than one player share a favorite chef, they will have to divide the chef with a machete and carry a portion of the chef in a velvet sack tied around their waist.

MARCH 24:
Regular basketball, but without a ball.

MARCH 25: For this special game, Larry Bird will sit in a lifeguard chair by one end of the court and Magic Johnson will sit in a lifeguard chair at the opposite end. They’ll take extensive notes throughout the game and then explain to each player and his mother in exhaustive, personalized detail why they will never be as good as them.

MARCH 26: 12 hours before this game, each player will be forced to drink his own body weight in prune juice. The game itself will be regular, old-fashioned basketball, played in a “toilet-free” stadium.

MARCH 27: For this game, each time a player gains possession of the ball, he must paint a museum-grade oil painting of Liza Minelli shooting five separate rainbows out of her legendary vagina.

MARCH 28: Each player is replaced by one of his grandfathers. If his grandfathers are both dead, too bad; life isn’t fair, and March Madness is mad.

MARCH 29: Pizza Party! A fan favorite; for this matchup, each player carries a pizza on their head throughout the game! “Won’t they fall off,” you ask? Nope! They’re stapled on!

MARCH 30: Family Time! For the penultimate game, any women the players have impregnated over the years are invited onto the court to address any unsettled paternity claims. This one’s a doozy!

MARCH 31:
Regular, classic basketball, but since it’s the Championship, each player wears a tuxedo and brings the ball to the hoop in style, mounted atop the mightiest of horses, the Clydesdale. But to reach the hoop, they must navigate around the Moscow Ballet, who will be performing an amped up version of “The Nutcracker,” accompanied by Slayer, The Geto Boys, and Sarah McLachlan.

THERE YOU HAVE IT! They don’t call it March Madness for nothing! I hope you’ll tune in to each uniquely “mad” game and bet any money you’ve reserved for food or medicine on your office bracket. You’ve earned it!

Your friend,
Rob “Basket-Ball” Delaney
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