What Halloween Candies Say About You

You play it safe. But the world needs you out there, stabilizing the candy collections of all the kids in the world. 

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you liked making children's dreams come true. You sir are a king of kings. 

You think all children are dumb fucks who will be excited by this. Kids are smart, and they know you'll oppress them with any chance you'll get. You are the man and cannot be trusted. 

You are too cheap to spend the extra dollar on the other pack. You know the one: with the mini Snickers, Milky Ways. etc. I don't know what company makes them.  Mars? Whatever, that's irrelevant. The important issue at hand is that they're delicious and far superior to the Hershey's alternative. Fuck that bag, especially after all the Krackel's (Nestle Crunch's retarded cousin) are gone. You are a disgrace, sir or madam. 

You seem to have mistaken children for garbagemen. Because that's what you just gave them. Garbage. 

You excel at the long game. You know that kids won't be thrilled when they see this is their stash. But you know that they'll have their minds blown later, and will spread the word as to where they got them. By the end of the night, you'll have the most popular house on the block. Kudos to you. (The congratulatory kind, not the healthy snack that deceptively masquerades as candy.)

You treat children as equals, and that's great. It really is. But they're not. They're better than you and don't waste their fucking time with coconut in their candy. Have some fucking decency, you out of touch waste. 

See Mounds, but replace "coconut" with "death"

You recognize a good tasting candy - something fun to eat and delicious. You also may be a dentist looking for new patients who lose fillings. That's cool. To each their own.

You're lazy. But you will be the most popular house on the block. Can't wait to see you next year!