Gay marriage passed in New York last night, and as we go on to celebrate during Pride, let's pause and think about what it might ruin for New York.

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June 25, 2011


Gay marriage affects your life if you get gay married. It doesn't affect much else. Now I know, homophobic straight people, that you feel that a man and man or woman and woman being allowed to commit to life-long, loving relationships can really make you look bad. I mean, c'mon breeders, y'all divorce after you have kids, against religious practice, and commit adulterous acts (that's a commandment, by the way)--and wouldn't you look terrible if the gays you've been mocking all this time made marriage look like a good thing?

But don't worry. Gay people screw up relationships too. We just, you know, actually have to be fully committed before deciding to raise children.

Seriously, nothing.

Okay, really? You're still afraid gay marriage spells doom? No, guys, gay marriage spells WEDDING REGISTRIES. Listen, you straight folks have had a choke hold on this important economic sector for years. You know who's ridiculous enough to request oyster forks on their wedding registry? Tim Gunn. You know who's going to ask for more than three kinds of candelabras with matching oatmeal-infused slow burning candles? K. D. Lang.

Stereotypes aside, gay marriage opens up a tenth of the population to wedding ceremony--some of those people having waited decades to get married. And do you honestly think a gay man would be caught dead throwing a mediocre reception? We have stereotypes to live up to!

No, I mean it, it won't ruin anything.

I mean, how disappointing is it that Barney from How I Met Your Mother can marry his boyfriend? Oh, right, I'm sorry. His name isn't Barney. It's Neil Patrick Harris, a luminary of the gay community who is in a committed relationship and is currently raising children.

And, ugh, Dan Savage? The guy created the definition of santorum. We're letting him marry? I mean, he's been a dedicated journalist and activist for years, also starting and running the enormously powerful It Gets Better campaign, but can you imagine him kissing boys?

Well, it might ruin a few things. Just kidding!

I mean, people are going to start wearing wedding rings. That's disgusting. People already wear wedding rings, but before you could just make assumptions. Now you actually have to ask if you're curious, and, you know, (sorry if this is too gross) make conversation with maybe a gay or a lesbian.

And, like, who is the Mr. and the Mrs. in a gay relationship? Like, can you have two misters? And who stays home if you have two missuses?

Is missuses even a word?