8 Video Game Fights We Want To See. But… Never Will.

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Mother Brain vs. Red Falcon

From: Metroid Series – From: Contra Series
Height: ? – Height: ?
Weight: ? – Weight: ?
Style: Defensive -  Style: Retreat

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This is the classic duel between the heart and the brain. This is a fight that every human being struggles with every day, my brain says to do this but my heart is telling me otherwise. What wins the majority of the time? The heart. Lets take a look at the offense and defense. Mother Brain has a ton of defense, which includes turrets and lasers shooting in every which direction, not to mention a missile proof glass encasement that is very hard to bust through. Her offense on the other hand is okay at best. Once you bust through the glass you can just go to town on that giant pulsating brain of hers.

Red Falcons defense is a bit nonexistent. It’s just a huge heart with giant spider aliens running “away” from it. the spider aliens offer no help whatsoever. Now, how about that Red Falcon offense… there is none! Maybe Mother Brain and Red Falcon shouldn’t fight after all, They should just get together and form one real bad space organ terrorist group. they will be called “The Organ Organization Of Intergalactic Space Terror”.

WINNER:

Mother Brain

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Zangief vs. Goro

From: Street Fighter – From: Mortal Kombat
Height: 6′7 – Height: 8′2
Weight: 287 – Weight: 550
Style: Wrestling -  Style: Face Punching

I know what you’re gonna say, “All you have to do is stay a good distance away from Goro and jump kick’em in the face”. That’s all well and good… if you can jump. Zangief jumps as well as a 400 lb. white dude with one leg and two toes. For Zangief to have any chance, he’s gonna have to get in close and pull off some “MMA” type moves and grapples. But, what happens when you get too close to Goro? He grabs your waist and pummels the shit out of your face. Now that Zangief’s offense is thwarted, what else is left for him to do.

Zangief is too slow to run away and his body is too big and bulky to post up a good defense. Goro, on the other hand is surprisingly quick and his defense is superior to most because of his extra set of arms. When Goro folds his arms it’s like a forcefield made up of muscle and flesh.

WINNER:

Goro

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Guile vs. Guile (Van Damme)

From: Street Fighter Series – From: Shitty Movies
Height: 6′1 – Height: 5′9
Weight: 191 – Weight: 185
Style: Hand To Hand – Style: Choreographed

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I have been dying to see this fight since the original “Street Fighter” movie hit theaters. Back then, Van Damme was the go to guy if you needed a well Choreographed ass kicking on film. He was a pretty face with a dancers precision. Too bad this fight isn’t taking place in the real world. If Guile was a real dude, he’d be a cross between “Jack Bauer” and “Chuck Norris”. Guile could find “Bin Laden” in about 46 minutes and end the war on terror with one swift flash kick to the face of our enemy. The fight would go like this. Guile would be poised and ready to fight, anxious for the bell to ring.

Guile (Van Damme) would be poised and ready for make-up. Guile would plan his first few moves before the fight even begins. Guile (Van Damme) would be making a “move” on the hottest girl in the vicinity. The bell will ring and Guile moves in for attack. Guile (Van Damme) waits for the director to yell “Action” while he gets his head kicked off by a lightning quick flashkick.

WINNER:

Guile

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Samus vs. Mega Man

From: Metroid Series – From: Mega Man series
Height: 6′3 – Height: 4′4
Weight: 198 – Weight: 230
Style: Weapons  - Style: Weapons

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I didn’t know how I this fight should go down. Were Mega Man and Samus gonna be fully powered up as if you were playing their characters near the later stages of their respective games? Or were they gonna fight with their powers minimized to their bare bones? Then I thought, would I wanna see two boxers fight each other without proper training? No, I wouldn’t. What good is a fight if the two combatants aren’t granted their full arsenal. Let’s face it, at full power, Samus stands no chance. Mega Man has way too many weapons to defend against. Samus would be playing defense for the majority of the fight.

But, then something interesting happens. Samus rolls into a ball and starts bombing away. All Mega Man has to do is steer clear of the bombs, but, that doesn’t happen. Have you ever noticed how Samus’s bombs look an awful lot like those little energy balls that Mega Man eats for power? A confused Mega Man would begin to eat these bombs out of confusion. Mega Man would then go on to literally eat himself to death.

WINNER:

Samus

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Double Dragons vs Bad Dudes

From: Double Dragon – from: Bad Dudes
Height: 6′3 – Height: 6′0
Weight: 198 – Weight: 178
Style:Intercepting Fists – Style: Ass Kicking

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This is the coolest fight on the board, two Brothers fighting against their neighborhood gang and two partners fighting their way through a horde of terrorist who kidnapped the Presidents daughter. They meet in the middle and decide to beat the shit out of each other. First, the Dragons grab some weapons off the floor before they disappear into thin air. Then the Bad Dudes look at the dragons with their arms crossed and say, “Nope, we don’t do weapons, we use our fists!”. The Dragons graciously drop their weapons as a group of local gang members and international terrorists storm the scene. The Bad Dudes are now fighting back to back with the Dragons. It is an ass kicking for all to behold. After all the enemies are dropped, the four guy’s catch their breathe and decide to shake on it. But then Jimmy Lee, (Billy’s evil twin) turns his back on his brother and joins the Bad Dudes.

Now it’s a three on one and Billy goes down for the count. The Bad Dudes then get some intel from a bloodied Billy Lee just before he passes out from the beating of a lifetime. Billy whispers this into the ears of the Bad Dudes, “Jimmy is the one who kidnapped the presidents daughter”. As Billy passes out the Bad Dudes yell out their iconic battle cry, “Bad Dudes”. They give each other a high five and commence to kicking the ass of a red leather jacket clad Jimmy Lee.

WINNER:

Bad Dudes

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Tyson vs. Balrog

From: Punch-Out – From: Street Fighter
height: 5′11 -  height: 6′5
weight: 220 – weight: 240
Style: Boxing – Style: Boxing

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At first glance you say, “Tyson, no contest”, but let’s look at the facts. Balrog is a mini boss in a game that features the best “fighters” in the world who predominantly kick. Balrog is so bad-ass that he doesn’t need to kick at all. Tyson fights the best “boxers” in the world, but then gets beat by a five foot tall white dude who wears a pink jumpsuit when he jogs. Now that all the facts are out of the way, we can get to the fight. Tyson immediately goes for the big score in the first round and connects with a huge uppercut. Balrog goes down for the count. The referee is slow to get to the ten count and Tyson is reminded of how the ref screwed him in his first loss to Buster Douglas. Tyson is angered. Balrog gets up and goes on the offensive. The two fighters battle it out for a couple of rounds. Tyson grows tired of the constant barrage of headbutts.

As the fight goes on, Balrog’s headbutts begin to add up and Tyson goes mad in the ring and sets up for the biting ear attack. What Tyson doesn’t know is that Balrog has fought Blanka before and is well prepared for a biting attack from an opponent. As Tyson steps in for the bite, Balrog dodges the attack and Tyson severly chomps off his own tongue. Tyson is now confused and powerless. Balrog then sizes up Tyson and lays the final blow with a huge “Boot” to the balls. That’s right, Balrog finally kicked. And what a kick it was. It sends Tysons voice from feminine to dog whistle in a matter of seconds.

WINNER:

Balrog

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Alucard vs Dante

From: Castlevania - From: Devil May Cry
Height: 6′3 – Height: 6′4
Weight: 185 – Weight: 220
Style: Magic & Sorcery – Style: Gun Kata

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I have a hard time believing that these two guys aren’t related somehow. Devilishly good looking, a love for colorful trench coats, long silky white hair, and a longing for destroying demons of the underworld. If these two guys fought it would be a spectacle to behold. At first you would think that Dante has the edge because of his history of fighting demons the likes of Alucard. Then you give the edge to Alucard because he’s an immortal vampire who is extremely hard to kill. Enough talk, let’s get to the fight. Dante senses that Alucard is a powerful demon who has evil blood coarsing through his veins and decides to pull off a sneek attack on the Vampire. Alucard immediately goes on the defensive by using magic blocks and healing potions.

Alucard quickly deciphers that Dante is a skilled demon hunter not different than the likes of the famed Belmont vampire hunting clan. Alucard realizes he must play defense for he has found a powerful ally in the fight against evil. Dante is confused by Alucards non offensive approach and questions if he should be fighting this demon in the first place. Dante stops the fight. The two then talk it out and realize that they have a common enemy. They join forces and combine their powers to become the most badass demon hunting team the world has ever seen.

LOSER:

Demons

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Pac-man vs Q*Bert

from: Pac-Man -  from: Q*bert
height: ? – height: ?
weight: ? – weight: ?
Style: Eating – Style: Jumping

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Let’s face it, these guys shouldn’t be fighting. These guys should be sitting next to eachother at E3 signing autographs and posing for pictures with the kiddies. These are two timeless gaming icons that have brought hours upon hours of happiness to our fragile childhoods in the 80’s. That is until sexy Ms.Pac-Man arrives on the scene. Pac-Man is quickly reminded of how he lost his one true love to the new guy at the arcade… Q*bert. That’s right, when people got sick of Pac-Man, everyone turned their attention to an ugly round jumping bitch with a huge nose… including Ms. Pac-Man. Q*bert and Pac-Man patched things up a long time ago and they now laugh about their pasts with the seductive yellow temptress. But after E3 is over and the guys grab one too many brewskis at the local bar, the shit hits the fan.

Q*bert angers Pac-Man by reminding him of how he stuffed his huge orange nose into Ms.Pac-Mans tight yellow vagina. Pac-Man breaks an empty beer bottle onto Q*berts soft furry head. Q*bert bleeds profusely. Pac-Man is about to curb stomp on Q*berts head but Q*bert quickly blurts out, “Hey, look, it’s a ghost”. Pac-Man turns around only to be greeted with a bar-stool to the back of the head. The police rush in and grab Q*bert. Pac-Man turns around and evades the police while pulling out a gun. He shoots Q*bert right in the head. Police tackle Pac-Man to the ground. Q*bert is pronounced dead on the scene. Pac-Man is sentenced to life behind bars.

WINNER:

No one

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