From: Metroid Series â From: Contra Series
Height: ? â Height: ?
Weight: ? â Weight: ?
Style: Defensive - Style: Retreat
This is the classic duel between the heart and the brain. This is a fight that every human being struggles with every day, my brain says to do this but my heart is telling me otherwise. What wins the majority of the time? The heart. Lets take a look at the offense and defense. Mother Brain has a ton of defense, which includes turrets and lasers shooting in every which direction, not to mention a missile proof glass encasement that is very hard to bust through. Her offense on the other hand is okay at best. Once you bust through the glass you can just go to town on that giant pulsating brain of hers.Red Falcons defense is a bit nonexistent. Itâs just a huge heart with giant spider aliens running âawayâ from it. the spider aliens offer no help whatsoever. Now, how about that Red Falcon offenseâ¦ there is none! Maybe Mother Brain and Red Falcon shouldnât fight after all, They should just get together and form one real bad space organ terrorist group. they will be called âThe Organ Organization Of Intergalactic Space Terrorâ.
From: Street Fighter â From: Mortal Kombat
Height: 6â²7 â Height: 8â²2
Weight: 287 â Weight: 550
Style: Wrestling - Style: Face Punching
I know what youâre gonna say, âAll you have to do is stay a good distance away from Goro and jump kickâem in the faceâ. Thatâs all well and goodâ¦ if you can jump. Zangief jumps as well as a 400 lb. white dude with one leg and two toes. For Zangief to have any chance, heâs gonna have to get in close and pull off some âMMAâ type moves and grapples. But, what happens when you get too close to Goro? He grabs your waist and pummels the shit out of your face. Now that Zangiefâs offense is thwarted, what else is left for him to do.
Zangief is too slow to run away and his body is too big and bulky to post up a good defense. Goro, on the other hand is surprisingly quick and his defense is superior to most because of his extra set of arms. When Goro folds his arms itâs like a forcefield made up of muscle and flesh.
From: Street Fighter Series â From: Shitty Movies
Height: 6â²1 â Height: 5â²9
Weight: 191 â Weight: 185
Style: Hand To Hand â Style: Choreographed
I have been dying to see this fight since the original âStreet Fighterâ movie hit theaters. Back then, Van Damme was the go to guy if you needed a well Choreographed ass kicking on film. He was a pretty face with a dancers precision. Too bad this fight isnât taking place in the real world. If Guile was a real dude, heâd be a cross between âJack Bauerâ and âChuck Norrisâ. Guile could find âBin Ladenâ in about 46 minutes and end the war on terror with one swift flash kick to the face of our enemy. The fight would go like this. Guile would be poised and ready to fight, anxious for the bell to ring.
Guile (Van Damme) would be poised and ready for make-up. Guile would plan his first few moves before the fight even begins. Guile (Van Damme) would be making a âmoveâ on the hottest girl in the vicinity. The bell will ring and Guile moves in for attack. Guile (Van Damme) waits for the director to yell âActionâ while he gets his head kicked off by a lightning quick flashkick.
From: Metroid Series â From: Mega Man series
Height: 6â²3 â Height: 4â²4
Weight: 198 â Weight: 230
Style: Weapons - Style: Weapons
I didnât know how I this fight should go down. Were Mega Man and Samus gonna be fully powered up as if you were playing their characters near the later stages of their respective games? Or were they gonna fight with their powers minimized to their bare bones? Then I thought, would I wanna see two boxers fight each other without proper training? No, I wouldnât. What good is a fight if the two combatants arenât granted their full arsenal. Letâs face it, at full power, Samus stands no chance. Mega Man has way too many weapons to defend against. Samus would be playing defense for the majority of the fight.
But, then something interesting happens. Samus rolls into a ball and starts bombing away. All Mega Man has to do is steer clear of the bombs, but, that doesnât happen. Have you ever noticed how Samusâs bombs look an awful lot like those little energy balls that Mega Man eats for power? A confused Mega Man would begin to eat these bombs out of confusion. Mega Man would then go on to literally eat himself to death.
From: Double Dragon â from: Bad Dudes
Height: 6â²3 â Height: 6â²0
Weight: 198 â Weight: 178
Style:Intercepting Fists â Style: Ass Kicking
This is the coolest fight on the board, two Brothers fighting against their neighborhood gang and two partners fighting their way through a horde of terrorist who kidnapped the Presidents daughter. They meet in the middle and decide to beat the shit out of each other. First, the Dragons grab some weapons off the floor before they disappear into thin air. Then the Bad Dudes look at the dragons with their arms crossed and say, âNope, we donât do weapons, we use our fists!â. The Dragons graciously drop their weapons as a group of local gang members and international terrorists storm the scene. The Bad Dudes are now fighting back to back with the Dragons. It is an ass kicking for all to behold. After all the enemies are dropped, the four guyâs catch their breathe and decide to shake on it. But then Jimmy Lee, (Billyâs evil twin) turns his back on his brother and joins the Bad Dudes.
Now itâs a three on one and Billy goes down for the count. The Bad Dudes then get some intel from a bloodied Billy Lee just before he passes out from the beating of a lifetime. Billy whispers this into the ears of the Bad Dudes, âJimmy is the one who kidnapped the presidents daughterâ. As Billy passes out the Bad Dudes yell out their iconic battle cry, âBad Dudesâ. They give each other a high five and commence to kicking the ass of a red leather jacket clad Jimmy Lee.
From: Punch-Out â From: Street Fighter
height: 5â²11 - height: 6â²5
weight: 220 â weight: 240
Style: Boxing â Style: Boxing
At first glance you say, âTyson, no contestâ, but letâs look at the facts. Balrog is a mini boss in a game that features the best âfightersâ in the world who predominantly kick. Balrog is so bad-ass that he doesnât need to kick at all. Tyson fights the best âboxersâ in the world, but then gets beat by a five foot tall white dude who wears a pink jumpsuit when he jogs. Now that all the facts are out of the way, we can get to the fight. Tyson immediately goes for the big score in the first round and connects with a huge uppercut. Balrog goes down for the count. The referee is slow to get to the ten count and Tyson is reminded of how the ref screwed him in his first loss to Buster Douglas. Tyson is angered. Balrog gets up and goes on the offensive. The two fighters battle it out for a couple of rounds. Tyson grows tired of the constant barrage of headbutts.
As the fight goes on, Balrogâs headbutts begin to add up and Tyson goes mad in the ring and sets up for the biting ear attack. What Tyson doesnât know is that Balrog has fought Blanka before and is well prepared for a biting attack from an opponent. As Tyson steps in for the bite, Balrog dodges the attack and Tyson severly chomps off his own tongue. Tyson is now confused and powerless. Balrog then sizes up Tyson and lays the final blow with a huge âBootâ to the balls. Thatâs right, Balrog finally kicked. And what a kick it was. It sends Tysons voice from feminine to dog whistle in a matter of seconds.
From: Castlevania - From: Devil May Cry
Height: 6â²3 â Height: 6â²4
Weight: 185 â Weight: 220
Style: Magic & Sorcery â Style: Gun Kata
I have a hard time believing that these two guys arenât related somehow. Devilishly good looking, a love for colorful trench coats, long silky white hair, and a longing for destroying demons of the underworld. If these two guys fought it would be a spectacle to behold. At first you would think that Dante has the edge because of his history of fighting demons the likes of Alucard. Then you give the edge to Alucard because heâs an immortal vampire who is extremely hard to kill. Enough talk, letâs get to the fight. Dante senses that Alucard is a powerful demon who has evil blood coarsing through his veins and decides to pull off a sneek attack on the Vampire. Alucard immediately goes on the defensive by using magic blocks and healing potions.
Alucard quickly deciphers that Dante is a skilled demon hunter not different than the likes of the famed Belmont vampire hunting clan. Alucard realizes he must play defense for he has found a powerful ally in the fight against evil. Dante is confused by Alucards non offensive approach and questions if he should be fighting this demon in the first place. Dante stops the fight. The two then talk it out and realize that they have a common enemy. They join forces and combine their powers to become the most badass demon hunting team the world has ever seen.
from: Pac-Man - from: Q*bert
height: ? â height: ?
weight: ? â weight: ?
Style: Eating â Style: Jumping
Letâs face it, these guys shouldnât be fighting. These guys should be sitting next to eachother at E3 signing autographs and posing for pictures with the kiddies. These are two timeless gaming icons that have brought hours upon hours of happiness to our fragile childhoods in the 80âs. That is until sexy Ms.Pac-Man arrives on the scene. Pac-Man is quickly reminded of how he lost his one true love to the new guy at the arcadeâ¦ Q*bert. Thatâs right, when people got sick of Pac-Man, everyone turned their attention to an ugly round jumping bitch with a huge noseâ¦ including Ms. Pac-Man. Q*bert and Pac-Man patched things up a long time ago and they now laugh about their pasts with the seductive yellow temptress. But after E3 is over and the guys grab one too many brewskis at the local bar, the shit hits the fan.
Q*bert angers Pac-Man by reminding him of how he stuffed his huge orange nose into Ms.Pac-Mans tight yellow vagina. Pac-Man breaks an empty beer bottle onto Q*berts soft furry head. Q*bert bleeds profusely. Pac-Man is about to curb stomp on Q*berts head but Q*bert quickly blurts out, âHey, look, itâs a ghostâ. Pac-Man turns around only to be greeted with a bar-stool to the back of the head. The police rush in and grab Q*bert. Pac-Man turns around and evades the police while pulling out a gun. He shoots Q*bert right in the head. Police tackle Pac-Man to the ground. Q*bert is pronounced dead on the scene. Pac-Man is sentenced to life behind bars.