Hall of Fame
The first gaping logic hole has to do with just that: holes. Specifically the eyeholes in Batman’s mask. More specifically, the fact that there’s MAKEUP under there (see photo reference A). Um, first of all, are we really to believe that when Bruce Wayne receives a distress call from Commissioner Gordon, the first thing he does is plop down in front of the vanity with his Kaboodles box and foam applicator wedge, gently dabbing black makeup onto his eyelids? Is this really the best use of his precious few minutes before Joker blows up the Gotham City Ballet? Huh, Hollywood?!
Ugh, okay, FINE. Maybe I’m being overly critical. Maybe Alfred does his makeup for him while he’s busy putting on his belt and gloves. Maybe there’s some sort of makeup-spraying device installed in the Batmobile that applies it automatically on the drive over – whatever! JUST MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE VIEWER. Because look, I GET that he has to cover up that small area between where the eyeholes end and his eyes begin, and if makeup is the only way to do that (short of making smaller eyeholes in the mask itself, which would obviously impair his peripheral vision) then okay, fine, I’ll bite. Batman wears eye makeup. I’m not crazy about it but it’s a fact...OH WAIT, APPARENTLY IT’S NOT.
If you'll refer to exhibit B, a screenshot of the scene from the 1992 film Batman Returns in which Batman rips off his (apparently very easy-to-rip...?) mask to reveal his true identity to Selena Kyle. Well, we’ve already established that Batman blacks out little circles around his eyes for full coverage, so we can AT LEAST expect to see a very raccoon-eyed Bruce Wayne under that mask. YET WE DO NOT. Nope, instead he is completely clean-faced. All that eyeblack applied by either Alfred, the Batmobile auto-sprayer or God forbid Bruce himself is magically just GONE. Where did it go you ask? Maybe it ran off with my LAST NERVE.
Tim Burton CLEARLY takes me for some sort of insane idiot who doesn’t understand how makeup works. Sorry, pal, but I do. But “hey” you might be thinking to yourself, “there just weren’t diligent internet cross-checkers like yourself back in Burton’s day, so isn’t it at least understandable how he thought he could get away with such offensively flimsy logic?” Perhaps, but then SURELY “modern” director Christopher Nolan would know better with 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, right? Oops, WRONG AGAIN.
Where do I even begin? How about with the fact that, in this film, which supposedly takes place in Gotham City (you know, where Batman LIVES?) you can clearly see the Empire State Building in several shots?! It’s obviously New York City and NOT the real Gotham as we “sheep” are apparently somehow expected to believe. Good effort, hucksters but I was a little too fast for you on that one.
Oh, and Mr. Nolan? If I could tear you away from your LYING for two seconds, could we please discuss the fact that in your “films”, BATMAN LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than he did in the old ones? Granted, I GET that people’s faces change over time but come on! It’s like I’m looking at two DIFFERENT MEN! Did I turn into a Charms Blow-Pop all of a sudden because clearly I have the word “sucker” written on my forehead....unbelievable.
How come Batman never seems to get older? These movies have been going on for 24 YEARS now and if anything, the guy’s only gotten younger over time. Nice try, “Chris”, but unfortunately for you, you’re dealing with someone who owns SEVERAL calendars as well as the biggest clock in his whole town. And he (me) happens to know that time moves forward, not backward. Yeah, um, nailed much?
Here’s a head-scratcher for ya: If the Bat signal is so effective at getting Batman’s attention, how come I’ve NEVER SEEN IT? I stare up at the sky OFTEN and for long periods of time and I’ve never once spotted this thing. Hm...doesn’t quite add up, now does it? Nice try, Bernie Madoff, but the next time you catch me gazing open-mouthed at the night sky, it’ll be with a look of SERIOUS skepticism on my face. Also, Google Earth? Heard of it?
Can we PLEASE talk about the inconsistency in Batman’s size? I’ll be watching a Batman movie on TV and the guy’s tiny enough to fit in my hand, but when I watch the same movie in the theater he’s 300 feet tall! So which is it? Huh, fat cats? Gimme a break.
Finally, and perhaps most glaring of all, if Batman is supposedly so strong, handsome, fast and brave, then how come he’s not me? I am ALL of those things yet I am still NOT Batman. Oops! Didn’t expect to be called out on that one, huh? Sorry to have to embarrass you gentlemen like this but I’m afraid your “logic” just doesn’t add up.
Some Kind of Idiot, Apparently