I need to start from the beginning with our first “issue” which was his blanket. He had fully moved in and slowly I noticed that the house was starting to smell like the Goodwill. I smelled the closet. Nothing. Where was it coming from? Night after night I would come home to a waft of a potent thrift shop smell. I am pretty OCD when it comes to keeping things clean so this smell had to be dealt with quickly. And then I saw it. There was an old blanket on the couch. I approached it and the smell got stronger. I gathered the strength and picked it up to smell it and dry heaved. It was this blanket! I ran to the washing machine and threw it in. He had not come home yet so I figured I could do this discreetly. I was excited to get it out. But the smell was still on it. I didn’t know what to do. Night after night went by and there he was wrapped up in it. Then finally, after a long day at work I was exhausted and once again walked in to the smell. The time was now. Me: DAMNIT! Him: What ME: This thing! this thing! I walked over and grabbed it and threw it on the groud. Me: IT’s AWFUL. It smells like death. Get it out! HIM: I don’t smell anything ME: GET IT OUT RIGHT NOW He then walked outside and threw it into his jeep. He walked back in looking scared. Me: That will be all. Goodnight
"I Don't Use the Toilet Paper"
I mentioned the other morning that we should be going halves on the basic stuff that we share. Paper towels, dish soap, toilet paper, etc. Here is how the conversation went down. Me: Hey, so I was thinking you can give me half for the stuff that we share Him: Like what stuff? Me: Like toilet paper Him: I don't use the toilet paper. I have my own. I knew this was a lie. Never have I seen him walk to the bathroom carrying his "own" toilet paper and I am not home a lot so it is just using itself? I decided not to pursue it any further
"I'm Going For Medicine"
Last night I came home to see him perched in his usual place on the couch. He asked how my day was, I gave the response of "crap" and he started sneezing violently and announced that he was sick. I went into the bathroom to get some tissues for him to use and in going there noticed a spotless shower. He had cleaned it! And really well! There was hope. After a bad day sometimes all it takes is your transient roommate making the gesture of cleaning your shower to turn it all around. I went back in with the tissues and threw them at him (not to be rude but to not get too close to get sick too) I thanked him for the shower and said it can be one of his weekly tasks and he agreed to it. He started hacking and announced he was going across the street to the CVS for medicine. He stood up and just stood there for about 10 minutes. He does this often. He will announce is is going somewhere and just stand looking at nothing for some time. It used to kind of freak me out, but now I've gotten pretty used to it. Finally I heard him leave. I took some PM advils and went to sleep. I have a long day today and needed my rest. Hours later I heard the door fly open and he stumbled past my room. I went back to sleep. This morning I opened the refrigerator and saw a lump on the floor and refrigerator full of Keystone. I'm not even going to ask. In a gesture of kindness I am going to leave a water by the lump with a vitamin C packet.
"Please tell me that is not urine"
My mom once told me that men are babies when they are sick. Past relationships have proved that to be very true. I do not mind playing caretaker if I am in a relationship, but with a roommate it's a little different. Especially mine. He has no boundaries whatsoever. Every morning when I go to shower it's the same "Hey do you want to conserve water and shower together?" After a few days of that he only gets to the "Hey do you" part and I quickly say "No" and lock the bathroom door. Anyway, this morning I was tying to get ready for a class that I had signed up for. I woke up and heard him hacking loudly in the living room. I told him to PLEASE cover his mouth because he was going to get me sick. He did his usual "Hey do you" I interrupted and said "no" and took my shower. I was getting dressed in my room when he screamed "Sing me back to sleep!!" I told him no. A few minutes passed and then he asked again. To get him to shut up, I ran out and played a few songs on the piano. I was about to leave and then I heard him yelp "Help! Help! The TV is broken. The snow channel won't go off" I went and looked and realized the TV was not set on satellite and he was watching the static. He thought that this was a channel. I gently explained that he could get off of the "snow channel" by pressing the guide button. I returned from my class to find him in the same position with tissues everywhere on the ground. He announced again that he was sick. I told him I knew that and was sorry. And then I spotted a McDonalds bag on the floor that was wet. When I walked over and saw it filled with spit I dry heaved and started to run to the bathroom to get sick. I turned around and screamed "DAMN IT! Are you kidding me? You are just spitting in a bag on the ground! That is absolutely disgusting. Throw that away right now!" I was so disgusted. Then I spotted a bottle on the floor next to the couch filled with something and pointed at it "Please tell me that is not urine" He said it wasn't and I started cleaning and disinfecting the house which included lysoling the couch down, his blankets, him and anything he had possibly hacked on. The couch cleaners are coming next Saturday.
My roommate has a huge “thing”. Like abnormally large. How do I know this? Because he does not wear underwear only sweatpants to sleep and every morning wakes up and is sticking out to the front yard. He takes great pride in it and insists on pointing it out often. “Hey look” I will hear as I am pouring my morning coffee half awake. “NO” I always sternly say. Sometimes he will make a point of shaking his torso around so that it dances all over. I usually laugh at that but then tell him he is the most vile person in the world and I am shocked that he gets girls and certainly must be drugging them. I told him that he should just bite the bullet and go into porn and he is considering it. I think he actually really is considering it now so maybe I should mention that I was kidding and it is a sleazy industry to get involved in. Since he has been sick, he has remained in the lump position for 3 days and I have not been subjected to “The Thing.” It really has been nice. If you are going make a point of showing me your junk at least let me have a cup of coffee first
"Chore of the Day"
I woke up this morning and decided that since he does nothing all day he could start taking on a “chore of the day” He did vacuum sort of last night but it was at 10 when I got home and he saw me pulling in. But he did try. So I decided to start this “chore of the day” idea this morning. I wanted to poke him with a stick because he does look dead when he is sleeping sometimes but then he stirred. Me: Rise and Shine! If you scrub down the shower you get 5 stars! If you do it right it should take 20 minutes. Everything you need is on the bathroom counter Him: What do I get for 5 stars? Me: A big high five! Him: That is not what I want though Me: Well that is what you are getting