Congratulations on your purchase of the Quasar 3000 Home Microwave!

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July 08, 2011

Before you begin...

Congratulations on your purchase of this Quasar 3000 Home Microwave for the home! Before you begin, there are a few things you'll need to know. Skipping any of these steps can result in death and serious injury.

First, you'll need a lead-lined poncho. Any standard rank-4 radiation guard material from a lab supply store should do, but failing that, you can always place the Quasar 3000 Home Microwave in a cement container approximately one foot thick.

Once you're dressed for the job, you'll need to power the device. The Quasar 3000 Home Microwave runs on 320V/1.5 mA DC power. If this type of electricity isn't available out of a wall socket, a Titan-brand transformer will work nicely. Using incorrect power with the Quasar 3000 Home Microwave may result in dangerous radiation bursts.

Let's get started!

Selecting temperature ranges

The Quasar 3000 Home Microwave can generate temperatures of 60-750 degrees. Before cooking, you'll need to know what temperature to set the oven.

For poultry and fish, we suggest setting the oven to about 300 degrees, until the internal temperature of the meat reaches 140 degrees or the flesh begins to bubble. Do not eat meat with bubbled flesh. For beef and frozen items, 320 degrees will facilitate faster cooking.

Produce can be cooked as low as 250 degrees. Zinc smelting is controllable at about 680 degrees, but watch out for fumes! Fumes resulting from zinc smelting are highly toxic.

When NOT to use the centrifuge setting

The built-in centrifuge in the Quasar 3000 Home Microwave allows for even cooking, freeing you from the 'hot spots' in other microwave brands. Also, it can be used to separate impurities in your zinc during zinc smelting.

If you are cooking food, make sure to leave the centrifuge on the lowest setting. If you are smelting zinc, speed 4 or 5 should level out magnesium or iron in your ore.

Do not use the centrifuge when defrosting! The weight imbalance can throw off the calibration of the magnetron, causing unpredictable plasma shoot-offs.

Replacing the magnetron

The magnetron in your Quasar 3000 Home Microwave has to be replaced every three months. If it is not replaced, the machine will either stop working, or the distorted magnetic field might cause high-voltage discharges.

To replace the magnetron, you simply need a clean room, digital calipers, and a vice grip. Call the number on the back of your microwave unit; a technician will be standing by with more detailed instructions. If you do not listen to the technician, the magnetron may become unstable.


Clock keeps flashing 12:00
Press 'clock' and enter time.

Tri-lock analysis won't trigger radiation blow-off
Dress yourself in hazmat materials and place the magnetron in a coolant. Once the temperature has decreased, replace and allow the unit to sit two to three hundred feet underground for a minimum of six years.

Zinc hardened around centrifuge joints
Run the microwave at highest temperature under a fume hood.

My food isn't getting hot
Check to make sure the unit is plugged in.

Have fun!