Hollywood is a sexy place. THIS MUCH WE KNOW. But to gain such a reputation, they've had to sex up some unsexy endeavors.

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August 18, 2011

Car Washes

cameron-diaz-car-wash-scene1.jpg"Oh remember that time we went and got our car washed, and that bubble fight broke out between eight girls in white shirts those immigrants working for minimum wage dried our car and then we felt bad because we only had one single to give them as a tip. I mean yeah, we had a ten but we weren't about to start doling that out."
"If you mean 'do you remember the sexiest day of your life,' then yes. Yes I do."


1716565.jpgMovie definition of vampires: stud muffins who sparkle in the sun/Tom Cruise during his "sexy" era. 

Real definition of vampires: Eastern European men wearing capes who drain your body of its fluid, which they will then use for sustenance.

Fingering People on Roller Coasters

Screen Shot 2011-08-17 at 6.25.42 PM.pngNo matter what Mark Wahlberg tells you, this is not a good idea. ESPECIALLY if you do not know the man or woman sitting next you. That said, if you do decide to surprise your coaster-mate, try to time it forwhen the picture is taken.  "Ten bucks well spent." That is what you'll be saying when you purchase your new mantlepiece. 

Sex in the Pool

Elizabeth-Berkley-Showgirls-pool.jpgThat just doesn't work. 

Actual Sex

Screen Shot 2011-08-18 at 8.35.47 AM.pngI don't know about you, but I've had sex at least eight times and each time is more awkward than the next. I don't know how to explain that I don't know how to properly put on a condom, I don't know what conversation to make in the middle, and I'm always left washing my sheets and wondering why I was talking so much during the whole thing -- The fact is, Hollywood depicts sex in a way where girls' bras come off by winking at her and there's no clean up whatsoever. And if we're being honest, the clean up is the moment where you really make a connection with someone. Without that, sex is just a fun, guilt-free experience, in which you don't feel terrible about yourself. And isn't that moment of shared self-hatred is what we're all striving for in the first place?