1. Get a couple of guys with horses and a net, and go hunt down the Serbian National Basketball Team.
That's actually how the Lakers drafted Vlade Divac back in '89.
"Look, no one cut out his brain... Vlade's always been like that."
2. Sign 5 random guys from China and field the worst Western Conference All-Star team ever.
Hell, Yao Ming's been retired for a year and he'll still probably make the 2013 team.
3. Just play NBA 2K13 on franchise mode and exploit the computer's weak A.I. when making trades.
Or you could just not have Dwight Howard on the team.
4. Buy the San Antonio Spurs, rename them "The Dallaz Maverickz", and just hope nobody notices.
No one would notice, the average basketball fan falls asleep during Spurs games.
Even Spurs fans have trouble keeping up with all the excitement of basketball fundamentals.
5. Sign Greg Oden before he gets turned into glue.
It's not like there's just a ton of 7 foot dudes out there.
6. Find a weird-looking, bald guy and pretend he's Jason Kidd and hope he keeps his turnovers down.
Easier said than done.
This guy STINKS at basketball.
7. Make a reality show about depressed, 7 foot tall German basketball players.
I think we can find one of those, at least this season.
8. Hire me to do PR for the Mavs so at least it's funny and not really sad.
It's really sad, dude.
Really, really sad, dude.