Mark Sanchez - Can FINALLY Make the Sequel to Queens Blvd
For the past few years, he's been bogged down with passion projects like Medellin, Aquaman, and that Nick Cassevetes bullshit playing quarterback for the Jets. It's about time he reunited with Billy for the sequel everyone's been clamoring for. Here's a still from pre-production:
Peyton Manning - Spokesman for the NFL Owners
When this is all said and done, the owners are going to look bad; they make billions and billions of dollars and fans will certainly heap blame upon them. In fact, when casual fans close their eyes to picture Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, this is what they see: The owners are going to need damage control. So why not hire ubiquitous NFL diplomat, Peyton Manning, to be your spokesman? This guy knows how to shill for a product, as evidenced by the fact that he shills for every product ever put on the mark. Here's every conversation he's ever had with his agent: "Hey Peyton, this company wants you to --""Sure."
Eli Manning - Ticket Counter at FunTime USA
Nothing against Eli. I'm sure he's qualified to do one many things with his life. But the moment he hands in that job application (regardless of where he's applying), he will undoubtedly be told "That's so impressive that you were able to fill out the application all by yourself. Tell you what: I know a guy who owns a FunTime USA and I think you're exactly the kind of the guy they need. You can count the tickets and give out the prizes because you're a big boy."
Hines Ward - Model for Dentist Office Posters
Okay, this is not actually a joke as much as it is a practical suggestion. Ideally I would love to be sitting in the dentist's office, being scolded for not flossing enough, only to see this hanging on the wall.
Tom Brady - George Clooney
That's a fair trade. Tom Brady can go sit at the Oscars and wink at the camera, while making films we all assume are great, and Geoge Clooney can go have sex with a supermodel. We all win here, folks.
Chad Ocho Cinco - iPhone App Designer
This just feels right. Ocho's been at the forefront of iPhone app design since Jobs opened it up to developers/crazy football players. Now it's time that Steve Jobs take it one step further and bring Ocho on board at Cupertino. I can only assume the next time there's a major Apple release I will see this in the promo video:
Please don't let any of this happen. Please?