Don't Worry About Destroying Friendships
Do two Bayside High men have a crush on you? No problem! If you want to be as popular as Kelly Kapowski, pit Slater against Morris and let them destroy their friendship in an effort to win your v-card (which, you won't actually give to them, ever).
Women Can't Do Two Things At Once
The only way to sing "I'm So Excited" with your all-girl group and ace your midterms is to get high out of your mind on some caffeine pills. Even though they're over-the-counter, don't let your male friends catch wind of your addiction because they will violently shake you.
Only Wear Glasses if You Want to Have Sex with Screech
Seriously, don't be like Violet Bickerstaff (read: Tori Spelling in glasses), even if you think her style is "hipster" and "kind of cute" and "true to whom she is as a person." Because, and listen to me very carefully when I say this, Screech will film you having sex and no one wants to see that.
Oh, You Don't Want Men to Objectify You?
Then good luck! Because this is high school, and your feminist ways will leave you ridiculed and labeled a "lesbian" like Jessie Spano.
Be Cruel To Nerds
When you have a nerd like Screech stalking you, the best thing to do is belittle him until all of his humanity and will to live is lost. Take a page from Lisa Turtle, and when your very own Screech approaches utilize such classic lines as, "Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit,""Why not go to the boys' room and flush yourself to China?" and "I hope your dad had 'dork' insurance."Zing! That'll show him.
Men Can't Change, But You Can!
Okay, so the feminist thing isn't working and those hormones are raging and all you want is some A.C. Slater action. The answer? Conform!
You Will Marry Your High School Sweetheart
Maybe you thought you'd go off to college, break up with that guy you dated in high school, and find a nice poli sci major to date so you two could enjoy evenings in some downtown loft listening to a reading of Eugene Ionesco's play Rhinoceros.But you'd be horribly off the mark, because you will marry that high school boy, and on a trip to Vegas no less!
Summer Jobs Are Sexy
If you're a hot chick and in with the right group of people, your summer job won't involve stocking the shelves at Rite Aid for minimum wage. Instead, you'll find yourself at a beach resort where you and your best pals will don bikinis to save the lives of those wealthy enough to pay to be there!
High School is the Most Important Thing In Life
Don't screw yourself over by thinking that everything will get better in college when you join a sorority. If you need proof, microwave some popcorn and watch Saved by the Bell: The College Years. It just gets worse.
It's What's On The Outside That Counts
Lisa Turtle's addiction to shopping coupled with Kelly's constant reveal of her midriff taught us that in high school you will be judged, and harshly.