Let me preface this by saying that I’m only in the 20th percentile when it comes to comic book fanboyism. When it comes to judging the quality of sex one would give by looking over their attributes, I’m in the 90th percentile.
In honor of The Avengers film’s critical and financial success, I would like to take a look at the ten of the most well-known superheroes and objectively analyze their ability to perform intercourse. In alphabetical order:
This pains me to say. Batman is my favorite superhero and I’d like to think he would be perfect at everything. But I must digress, I think he would be an under achiever. First, most idealize everything that’s even Batman related and consider him one of, if not the greatest superhero of all time. That, my friends, is pressure to live up to. And lets face it... we’ve all under performed when the pressures at it’s highest.
Second, what exactly are Batman’s strengths as a superhero? He is multi-millionaire businessman Bruce Wayne. Ergo, he has the resources to create and use these unbelievable gadgets. So unless these gadgets are vibrators aplenty, they’re useless in the sack. Yes, Batman is smart, strong, and athletic... which is great for him, but during sex, relying on the utility belt is going to ultimately lead to a disappointed woman.
And we won’t even get into Batman’s mommy-daddy issues. I’d say there’s high probability he would start crying halfway through.
This guy seems to have it all going for him. I mean, he’s the very peak of human potential. Lets look a little closer. I’ll give you that he’s skilled in hand-to-hand combat, acrobatics, and perhaps the greatest field general ever. Seems like he’d translate to potentially the greatest porn star ever assembled. If sex was 100% physical, he’s an A. Easy
Captain America’s biggest problem with sex would be Captain America. Sex is almost as much mental as it is physical. The fact that Captain America is so focused on his battles and fighting crime would hinder his performance in bed. How could he focus on his lady if he’s so worried about other things? He’s a classic case of having all the right physical tools to be the greatest, but his mental capacity would lead to his partner’s annoyance. She would whisper to him, “Hey, Captain, are you present? Are you in this moment with me?” To which he would shake his head, “no.”
The opposite of Captain America. His powers seem to indicate you weakness in bed. I mean, come on, the dude’s name is Flash! No girl likes a guy who finishes quickly. In fact, 71% of females engaging in sex say it’s a problem (yes, I made that up). But I’m here to defend Flash. Maybe it wouldn’t be the longest sex ever. In his case, that isn’t a bad thing. It would be so great while it lasted, the length would be irrelevant.
Quality. Over. Quantity. What do guys always here from the ladies? “Faster! Faster! Faster!” No one can abide by that request better than Flash. He can think and react faster than any other superhero, both of which are ultra beneficial fucking qualities. Before she can even think of something she wants, Flash is on it. He can vibrate so fast that he can walk through walls. I don’t even need to pontificate how that would come in handy.
The Incredible Hulk
The Hulk is going to appeal to a very... specific group of woman. If you like it rough, the The Hulk is your guy. He’s the black licorice of sexual superheroes: he’s not for a large portion of the female population, but those who he is for, more power to you.
We all know The Hulk’s attributes. His strength is unmatched, his durability is practically infinite, and his stamina is vast. Technically, these are the qualities of an amazing sex partner... but we’re forgetting something. The Hulk is angry. He’s always angry. So if you want to be pounded for a long, long time, The Hulk is your guy. He’s going to be relentless. For hours. You tell him to slow down, he’s going to go even harder.
Imagine it playing out sort of like this: a lady friend and Bruce Banner are fucking and he’s going as hard as he can. Suddenly he feels a rage building over him while he’s penetrating. As he orgasms, he turns into the Hulk and rips the woman into a million pieces.
Like I said... not for everyone.
If this was Tony Stark without the suit, this would be an A. The dude is a genius billionaire playboy. I can’t dish out an A, because we’re talking about the superheroes as they are. The fact is Iron Man, similarly to Batman, relies on his gadgets. In Iron Man’s case, it’s even worse because his entire body is covered in a suit of armor.
I don’t want to speak too much on behalf of woman everywhere, but I think it’s safe to say most of you would prefer not to have your vaginas pounded by metal. I am going to give Iron Man a little benefit of the doubt here. I firmly believe in the man inside the suit of armor. Stark is genius enough to develop some kind of hole that could open and allow him to perform to his potential. Stark is much more likely to go to extreme measures to get laid compared to Bruce Wayne.
While the man in the suit is a beast in bed, I’ve got to take away major points for being confined to a suit of armor.
A hipster’s sex fantasy. Unlike most of the superheroes on this list, Spidy doesn’t have muscles protruding from every inch of his body. He’s a skinny nerd and that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it plays right into his web-shooting hand (yes, I’m aware the webs shoot from his wrist and not his hands. For the sake of the writing, let me have this one). Despite the lack of muscles, he still has the super-human strength, speed, and endurance that would aid his sexual performance.
What makes Spider-Man stand out from the rest of these superhero is his playful personality. He doesn’t take himself as seriously as the rest of these beef heads. This allows him to just have a good time. He’d would be a tender, considerate fuck buddy, which has a wide appeal. Yes, he’s a geek and could prematurely shoot his web (sorry, but it was too easy not to use), but overall, the sex with Spider-Man would be worth having.
Although he’s definitely the guy landing in the friend-zone afterward.
I’m the first person to claim Superman as the most overrated superhero of all time. That’s a debate for another day. I won’t get into his abilities, because we would be here all day listing them. He’s practically perfect. I can’t deny he would be a boss during sex. I would suggest making sure you’re on birth control, because his sperm is so perfect that there is a 100% chance if it’s unprotected, you’re getting pregnant.
The only problem Superman would run into is that his cum shoots faster than a speeding bullet. This means it would travel across the length of her body, through her brain, and come out the top of her head, killing her instantly. Superman would mutter under his breath, “Aw come on. Not another one.” He proceeds to throw her dead body over his shoulders and bury her, with all his other victims. The only cum that kills
Hey, until that, it would be solid. Promise.
Thor is a total badass. He’s got the body of a sculpture, that incredible hammer (no, this isn’t a pun for a large penis), and he can kick just about anyone’s ass. As far as being a superhero is concerned, he’s fantastic.
He would be terrible at sex. He’s from another planet. He’d be clueless. He may have all the tools, but if he doesn’t know how to use them properly, he’s useless. I get the vibe that, outside of being a really awesome superhero, he’s a pretty boring dude. He’s lacking a real personality. He speaks like he’s in an adaptation of a modern Shakespeare film, which would get on your nerves real fast.
It’s best if Thor keeps his dick to himself.
Wolverine is exactly what every woman wants. The dude is a rugged machine. He looks like that guy you see wearing a wife beater, rocking the five o’clock shadow, and working construction. Suddenly, your vagina gets surprisingly moist by the sight of his rippling muscles (I may need to consider a 50 Shades of Grey-esque novel after this).
Wolverine would give you, above all, passion. He’s strong, controlling, and his durability is legen(wait for it...)dary. If anything ever happened to him during sex, he’d just use his regenerating healing powers to get right back on track. As far as powers and build are concerned, no one is better. What does give me slight worry are the famous claws. Those things could do some serious damage. Imagine you’ve got him ready to blow. He’s grabbing your sides trying to brace himself. Out of no where, those claws come shooting through your sides. Not pleasant.
Wonder Women is the woman you see at the gym who is a little buffer than she should be. You stare at her and suddenly, you’re getting a stiff in your shorts. You’re not sure why. She’s not super hot or anything. Nonetheless, your penis is becoming a rock at the sight of her. Why? Because you can’t help but fantasize about her completely dominating you in bed and loving every second of it.
Double entendres like “You’ve been a bad boy, haven’t you?” and “You’re going to fuck me until I bleed” will be screamed (although I don’t know how much of a double entendre the latter is). She’s got that lasso. I’m going repeat that one more time so its importance is fully understood. She has a lasso. If that doesn’t scream dominatrix, I don’t know what does.
She’s got it all: the strength, speed, endurance, and she can heal from a beating. That means multiple times in one night is almost a garuntee. Fellas, if you’re looking for someone to start a relationship with, Wonder Woman isn’t your gal. If it’s a long, grueling night of kinky sex, then you’ve come to the right superhero.