Hopeless Drug Addicts
The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.
Bros at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought-out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bros at music festivals.
Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of three days and four nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.
Kids On Ecstasy
If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.
People With Babies
I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.
Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else.