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10. RYAN GOSLING

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RYAN GOSLING was destined for greatness from an early age. After being a castmember on "The Mickey Mouse Club", Gosling quickly evolved into a handsome darling of the independent film scene, and this year, found mainstream success as he churned out a triad of great performances in some heavy-handed flicks. Congrats, Ryan! We can't wait to see what you do next! 

9. RYAN GOSLING in "DRIVE"

 

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RYAN GOSLING proved he's not just a pretty face in the thriller "DRIVE". The star's role, where he plays a wheelman who abets criminals by night, may be light on dialogue, but wow, is he EVER talented! Everybody else in this cast is just BUTT-UGLY and WOODEN and STIFF and SUCKY compared to Mr. Gosling!

Would you believe it, Mr. Gosling did NOT get a Golden Globe nomination for this role. Whatever is wrong with this world? 

8. RYAN GOSLING in "THE IDES OF MARCH"

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In "THE IDES OF MARCH" , RYAN GOSLING plays, uh, a guy who reads TIME magazines backwards. He truly held his own against Oscar winners Philip Seymour Hoffman and George Clooney, cranking out one of the most magnificent performances of his of this year. 

7. RYAN REYNOLDS

 

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The multi-talented RYAN REYNOLDS is the second most popular, handsome, and charming Canadian-born actor named Ryan. Whatevs. 

6. THE NAVY SEAL WHO SHOT OSAMA BIN LADEN

 

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We don't know this brave soul's name. But when they eventually make the Bin Laden movie, rumor has it RYAN GOSLING is in the running to play this guy. And he'd be great at it!

5. MICHELLE OBAMA

 

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First Lady MICHELLE OBAMA founded an organization this year that promotes healthy eating and excercise, in the hope that one day, all of America's children will be chiseled beauties like RYAN GOSLING. 

4. PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

 

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Sorry, ladies! Prince William is officially off the market!

...But you know who's still fair game? RYAN GOSLING! Yep, a girl or boy can dream, can't they? 

William's bride, Catherine Middleton, who is now the Duchess of Cambridge, is quite beautiful herself. Almost like a female RYAN GOSLING. 

Well, not THAT beautiful, that would be crazy. But you know what I mean. 

3. BRADLEY COOPER

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BRADLEY COOPER was crowned the Sexiest Man of 2011, which caused quite the public stir, both worldwide and in my living room. THANK GOD (Or should I say, thank Gosling) he had the decency to make a public statement about how he didn't deserve this highest honor, and rather, how it should have gone to Ryan Gosling. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brad, for proving you're not just a pretty face, you have some brains in you, too. It doesn't necessarily revoke your "Sexiest Man Alive" status and give it to its rightful owner, but it was a nice gesture from a man who otherwise completely ruined my life! 

2. RYAN GOSLING in "CRAZY STUPID LOVE"

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RYAN GOSLING's role in "CRAZY STUPID LOVE" is officially the most controversial movie of the year. I don't know if you follow the news or go on Google multiple times a day to see how many hits searching the terms "Ryan Gosling" will yield (and if you don't, what are you, an idiot??) but Ryan Gosling only got TWO Golden Globe nominations this year where he should have gotten three. One was for this movie, but he didn't get one for his role in "DRIVE".

Which is alright I guess but the only problem I had with this movie was that Ryan Gosling takes his shirts off in some scene but keeps his shirt on in other scenes. I found it really distracting when Ryan kept his clothes on and I spent the scenes that Ryan wasn't in banging my head against the seat in front of me hoping Ryan Gosling would be in the next scene.

That's not to say it's not a really good movie, I mean, I give it a million out of 10,  Ryan Gosling was in it, so it was great, oh my God, Mr. Gosling, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't say anything to offend you and we can still be friends please? 

1. RYAN MUDDAFREAKING GOSLING WINS THE HUMAN RACE

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It's official, RYAN GOSLING is not just the best human of 2011, but of all time. Gosling beat out Jesus (what's he done lately, other than help Tim Tebow win a few football games) to win our list of best people of all time. OF ALL TIME.

I'm a completely heterosexual male, but I have long come to terms witht he fact that Ryan Gosling is a better person and lover than I. He's now my biggest inspiration, and each day when I wake, I ask myself the question, WWRGDAHCIBMLH?

(What Would Ryan Gosling Do, And How Can I Be More Like Him?)  

The other day I was banging this chick and she yelled "RYAN! RYAN!" and I said, "My name's not Ryan" and she said "Oh, I was saying tryin'. As in, "I'm TRYIN' really hard to love you.

But then I distinctly heard her yell out "GOSLING!" "GOSLING!", and there's no mistaking that for a sound-alike word.

Nothing rhymes with "GOSLING". Trust me. I write love poetry, and I've tried. 

Look, I'll admit it, Ryan Gosling, your ONLY flaw into your entire life has been... I'm kinda disappointed you didn't return any of my letters this year.

I was so sad when you didn't win "Sexiest Man Alive", and cried for days when you only received 2 out of the 3 Golden Globe nominations you deserved. I TRIED to lead a write-in campaign, I TRIED, Ryan. It wasn't my fault that it didn't work. Is that why you're mad at me and haven't written me back?

I'm also sorry if my letter to you that stated "If they don't appreciate you, and I can't have you, then nobody can have you. The "Sexiest Man Alive" only has to be ALIVE, and that can easily be changed. See you soon, Ryan" was in any way misconstrued. 

What I was TRYIN' to say was I plan on performing a voodoo ritual on your chiseled corpse so we can live together forever in the afterlife. Heh heh. Sorry if it came of as weird or vague before.

All the very best to you, I'll see you at the First Church of St. Ryan Gosling, opening soon... and if you're intersted in making an independent film for 15% of your usual asking rate I am planning a shot-by-shot reimagining of "SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" entitled "MY OWN PRIVATE RYAN" starring you and me in every role, and inside of a war movie I rewrote the dialogue so the characters end up kissing after every scene. K peace bro. 

 

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