Going to the bar and ordering a “beer”
Ah yes, “beer.” For the least discerning of alcoholics. Personally, I love “beer.” After a long day of work, there’s nothing quite like heading down to my favorite bar, where the music is never too loud and my favorite booth is always available. But first, I head up to the bar itself, where the bartender is waiting, cleaning glasses with a hand towel with all that down time he has. “One beer,” I say. The bartender nods. He knows. And if not, I offer this simple retort: “Sir! Am I hearing you correctly? Are you telling me there are DIFFERENT MAKES AND MODELS of beer? Well, I shall have none of that! Barkeep, I said I wanted a beer, and I demand a beer—to quench my parched throat in dire need of happy bubble water!” Pulling on the lone, unmarked tap, he fills that hand-dried glass and passes it over to me with a smile. He knows. I am about to enjoy my beer. No need to even pay him! He knows.
I assume HOLLYWOOD does this because nobody wants to pay an actual beer distributor to say their name out loud (unless you’re the creators of Homeland and you want to have your characters drink Rolling Rock—which is actually less believable than drinking a “beer”). Thus, “beer.” Sometimes, they even make up a fake name for the beer and put a fake label on it. Look closely, because 99 percent of the time it’s Heisler-brand beer, which makes me feel a little bit better:
ONLY A LITTLE. Because if you were to ever really go to a bar and order a “beer,” the bartender would stare at you blankly and probably post something about you on Tumblr later and then you’d have to read about it the next time you’re in line at Urban Outfitters checking out those stupid novelty books and inevitably buying a few for your cousin as a Bar Mitzvah gift because you’re unoriginal and they cost exactly $18.
There are infinity different, REALISTIC things the writers could have said after, “I’ll have” that aren’t the words “a beer”:
1. an IPA
2. a pilsner
3. whatever you have on tap
4. whatever you have on tap that’s light (for the health-conscious character)
5. whatever you have on special
6. a glass of red wine
7. a glass of white wine
8. a glass of rose
9. a glass of champagne
10. a glass of sparkling wine
11. a glass
12. a High Life (pretend you’re quoting Modern Romance lyrics)
13. whatever the happy hour deal is for
14. a water
15. every single mixed drink known to mankind, and even those that aren’t
16. a Maker’s Mark, on the rocks (pretend you’re giving the password into a secret society that rocks)
17. cranberry juice—that’s it!
18. cranberry juice—my pee hole’s been screamin’ somethin’ fierce!
19. cranberry juice—I’m the designated driver!
That last one’s probably less realistic than “beer.”
Calling family members by their relation, not their name
I cannot fathom a single circumstance in which I might call my brother “brother”, as in “Hey, brother?” Okay, maybe one circumstance: Arrested Development.
Whatever happened to that show, amiright? [Googles literally anything] Oh, I guess it’s coming back.
Anyways, nobody else is Buster Bluth. Nor should any sister be called “sister”—or “sis” for that matter. And don’t even get me started on “cousin.” “Yo, cuz!” YOU ARE A HIP PERSON FOR SAYING THAT TO YOUR DAD’S BROTHER’S SON IN A CASUAL MANNER.
There are only five people in your family who are worthy of being called by their relationship to you: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and Real Family (my Super Nintendo).
Ordering hot coffee and flailing the cup around like it’s empty, because it is
Three seconds earlier, Elizabeth Banks was thrashing that coffee cup around as if it was empty. Because it is. Not full, as you might expect, of hot beverages that can scald her. Marvel at how she holds the cup by the base, where there is no cardboard sleeve or double-cup action! Witness the miracle that is the non-spilling cup of coffee that was JUST ORDERED despite her manic gesticulation! Ladies and gentlemen, the future of not burning yourself with something that is burning is just a ticket to HOLLYWOOD away! No need to put a substitute liquid inside the cup to more realistically portray what it’s like to carry something with something in it—like water! Or, here’s an idea: I heard a nasty rumor that on every HOLLYWOOD set, there is a certain beverage that is a) readily available, and b) very similar to coffee.
This entry has been paid for by those afflicted with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD: Ruining HOLLYWOOD magic since B.C.
People only have a few friends
Wanna meet new people? Stick to the "Strictly Platonic" section of Craigslist you acquaintance-harassing monster (strictly platonically). People in HOLLYWOOD only have a few friends, even after years and years and years and years and years and years and years and dear lord these "friends" will not fucking leave—I've never even had a hemorrhoid stay this long. And they are CHRONIC.
Here are HOLLYWOOD people too afraid to make new friends:
The cast of Friends
The cast of How I Met Your Mother
The cast of Happy Endings
The cast of Castaway
Friends are actively engaged in face-to-face dialogue
Really? Nobody is checking their smartphones or tweeting? Very unrealistic, HOLLYWOOD. They should be doing that all the time. Hell, I don't even know what most of my friends look like.
Full disclosure: I've never been to a house party because I've never been invited. But to my knowledge, they look like this:
Me hanging out with my Real Family
But I have been to plenty of house parties in HOLLYWOOD-land, and let me tell you, they are NOTHING like what you would expect. THEY ARE COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC. For example:
Get it together, HOLLYWOOD.
Added 3 months ago
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Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
- Cell phones don't have dial tones. It's fucking 2013.
- In the morning a couple have obviously spent the night having sex. They are completely acquainted with each other's bodies. Yet when the woman gets out of bed she drags the bedclothes with her to cover her body.
- You forgot people abruptly hanging up the phone or leaving a face-to-face conversation without saying "Goodbye" or "Ok, well, I'll see you later."
- every time i see my brother i say "hey brother". I dont know if this is because we didnt grow up together (hes older) or what. I also cant remember if i did it before arrested development.
- Agreed with the ordering drinks at a bar even though I do enjoy rolling rock. I usually ask what specials there are, whats on tap or bottled, or a well what ever and coke or something. could even ask for vodka soda or gin n tonic would be reasonable.
- I call my brother and sister "brother" and "sister" all the time. Since when is that not normal?
- Just a comment about "Beer". The can you show is actually a brand. The Big Bear Grocery Chain in Ohio used to carry generic beer. White can and a black label that said "Beer", just like in your picture. They also carried "Light Beer"
- I feel like I just read a Seinfeld episode where Jerry forgets all his new material and has Kramer grab one of Jerry's old notebooks from George's parents' attic but instead Kramer brings back a tiny, hard mouse turd; unimpressive, unsubstantial, and entirely crap.
- my roomate's mother-in-law makes $87 an hour on the internet. She has been fired for 9 months but last month her income was $21784 just working on the internet for a few hours. Here's the site to read more http://fly26.
- When driving, who looks at the person next to them for more than two seconds? Try looking away from the road for five seconds, as they do in tv and movies, I dare you.
- 1. The beer thing is completely understandable, even though it's stupid. True fact, there is a brand of beer down here that is a pilsener, and the brand name of it is Pilsener, and it tastes as shitty as you might expect a beer called Beer to taste like, although the cans and bottles are labeled way more creatively than just the word Beer. 2. I agree, that nobody calls people by relation in real life; but that's mostly a matter of practicality. You mostly hang out with these people at family reunions, so if you go "yo, cuzzo!" like ten people are gonna turn around. I address people by family relation all the time in email, pm, or phone, or private conversations. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. 3. I don't buy coffe at coffee shops, and I don't pay that much attention to what people do when they do it on TV, so I don't even know what you're talking about. 4. I've made many friends since college; but my closest friends, are my friends from college, and I prefer to have a few close friends, than to have a shitload of fake ones. There are people at work that pretend to be my friends, that I'd love to run into outside of work in an isolated place with no witnesses. 5. If you are one of my friends, you better not be texting while talking to me. I will slap the shit out of you, hard enough to make you cry. 6. House parties are fucking badass. You just have fakeass friends that don't know how to host parties, so that's why you waste all your money stupidly in clubs where you probably don't even fit in.
- ....and on TV nobody locks their front doors and everyone comes in without knocking first...
- When people wake up in the morning (usually in bed with someone else) after a long night of drinking and partying, their hair and make-up are perfectly preserved from the night before. No bed head. No raccoon eyes. No bags or bloodshot eyes. Flawless. The other thing that makes no sense: no one has any problem seeing after they have been sleeping in the pitch black, they sit up and turn on a lamp and their eyes are perfectly adjusted to the light.
- its called the business.. who wants to see someone order a beer and break change? Cmon you watch too much tv
- steve heisler - _ -