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I've got your number, HOLLYWOOD—best get correctin' before I get to erectin'…a sternly worded letter. more »
Published February 15, 2013 More Info »
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Published February 15, 2013

Going to the bar and ordering a “beer”

Ah yes, “beer.” For the least discerning of alcoholics. Personally, I love “beer.” After a long day of work, there’s nothing quite like heading down to my favorite bar, where the music is never too loud and my favorite booth is always available. But first, I head up to the bar itself, where the bartender is waiting, cleaning glasses with a hand towel with all that down time he has. “One beer,” I say. The bartender nods. He knows. And if not, I offer this simple retort: “Sir! Am I hearing you correctly? Are you telling me there are DIFFERENT MAKES AND MODELS of beer? Well, I shall have none of that! Barkeep, I said I wanted a beer, and I demand a beer—to quench my parched throat in dire need of happy bubble water!” Pulling on the lone, unmarked tap, he fills that hand-dried glass and passes it over to me with a smile. He knows. I am about to enjoy my beer. No need to even pay him! He knows.

I assume HOLLYWOOD does this because nobody wants to pay an actual beer distributor to say their name out loud (unless you’re the creators of Homeland and you want to have your characters drink Rolling Rock—which is actually less believable than drinking a “beer”). Thus, “beer.” Sometimes, they even make up a fake name for the beer and put a fake label on it. Look closely, because 99 percent of the time it’s Heisler-brand beer, which makes me feel a little bit better:

ONLY A LITTLE. Because if you were to ever really go to a bar and order a “beer,” the bartender would stare at you blankly and probably post something about you on Tumblr later and then you’d have to read about it the next time you’re in line at Urban Outfitters checking out those stupid novelty books and inevitably buying a few for your cousin as a Bar Mitzvah gift because you’re unoriginal and they cost exactly $18.

There are infinity different, REALISTIC things the writers could have said after, “I’ll have” that aren’t the words “a beer”:

    1.    an IPA
    2.    a pilsner
    3.    whatever you have on tap
    4.    whatever you have on tap that’s light (for the health-conscious character)
    5.    whatever you have on special
    6.    a glass of red wine
    7.    a glass of white wine
    8.    a glass of rose
    9.    a glass of champagne
    10.    a glass of sparkling wine
    11.    a glass
    12.    a High Life (pretend you’re quoting Modern Romance lyrics)
    13.    whatever the happy hour deal is for
    14.    a water
    15.    every single mixed drink known to mankind, and even those that aren’t
    16.    a Maker’s Mark, on the rocks (pretend you’re giving the password into a secret society that rocks)
    17.    cranberry juice—that’s it!
    18.    cranberry juice—my pee hole’s been screamin’ somethin’ fierce!
    19.    cranberry juice—I’m the designated driver!

That last one’s probably less realistic than “beer.”

Calling family members by their relation, not their name

I cannot fathom a single circumstance in which I might call my brother “brother”, as in “Hey, brother?” Okay, maybe one circumstance: Arrested Development.

Whatever happened to that show, amiright? [Googles literally anything] Oh, I guess it’s coming back.

Anyways, nobody else is Buster Bluth. Nor should any sister be called “sister”—or “sis” for that matter. And don’t even get me started on “cousin.” “Yo, cuz!” YOU ARE A HIP PERSON FOR SAYING THAT TO YOUR DAD’S BROTHER’S SON IN A CASUAL MANNER.

There are only five people in your family who are worthy of being called by their relationship to you: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and Real Family (my Super Nintendo).

Ordering hot coffee and flailing the cup around like it’s empty, because it is

Three seconds earlier, Elizabeth Banks was thrashing that coffee cup around as if it was empty. Because it is. Not full, as you might expect, of hot beverages that can scald her. Marvel at how she holds the cup by the base, where there is no cardboard sleeve or double-cup action! Witness the miracle that is the non-spilling cup of coffee that was JUST ORDERED despite her manic gesticulation! Ladies and gentlemen, the future of not burning yourself with something that is burning is just a ticket to HOLLYWOOD away! No need to put a substitute liquid inside the cup to more realistically portray what it’s like to carry something with something in it—like water! Or, here’s an idea: I heard a nasty rumor that on every HOLLYWOOD set, there is a certain beverage that is a) readily available, and b) very similar to coffee.

Coffee.

This entry has been paid for by those afflicted with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD: Ruining HOLLYWOOD magic since B.C.

People only have a few friends

Wanna meet new people? Stick to the "Strictly Platonic" section of Craigslist you acquaintance-harassing monster (strictly platonically). People in HOLLYWOOD only have a few friends, even after years and years and years and years and years and years and years and dear lord these "friends" will not fucking leave—I've never even had a hemorrhoid stay this long. And they are CHRONIC.

Here are HOLLYWOOD people too afraid to make new friends:

The cast of Friends

 

The cast of How I Met Your Mother

 

The cast of Happy Endings

 

The cast of Castaway

Friends are actively engaged in face-to-face dialogue

Really? Nobody is checking their smartphones or tweeting? Very unrealistic, HOLLYWOOD. They should be doing that all the time. Hell, I don't even know what most of my friends look like.

House parties

Full disclosure: I've never been to a house party because I've never been invited. But to my knowledge, they look like this:

Me hanging out with my Real Family

But I have been to plenty of house parties in HOLLYWOOD-land, and let me tell you, they are NOTHING like what you would expect. THEY ARE COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC. For example:

Get it together, HOLLYWOOD.

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